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More Jokes by David Letterman | More George W. Bush Jokes | Jay Leno on George W. Bush | Conan O'Brien on George W. Bush | Jimmy Kimmel on George W. Bush | Jon Stewart on George W. Bush
And President Bush, after eight years, is also in retirement. How can you tell?
President Bush is enjoying retirement in Crawford, Texas, maybe not as much as we are.
Former President Bush is back at his place in Texas. It's known as Rancho IneptoInepto.
Bush is not worrying about the country. No, it's like he's still president.
Well, let me know what you think of this. George Herbert Walker Bush says that his son, Jeb, would make a great president. And I’m thinking, a third Bush in the White House. Boy, cut me a slice of that, you know?
Here's something that is funny and also serious and not so funny at the same time but mostly funny. Barack Obama smokes cigarettes. And he has tried to quit. And he quit but every now and then he's got to --you know. It's hard to break old habits but it can be done. For an example, a couple of years ago, President Bush quit working. So, it can be done.
A lot of people have forgotten about President Bush, but this transitional period is a busy time for President Bush as well. He's busy granting pardons. Today, he pardoned Sarah Palin for her interview with Katie Couric.
That Obama is a smart, hard-working guy. And he has promised now to stabilize the economy, going to rebuild the infrastructure, create millions of new jobs, catch bin Laden. President Bush said, 'Uh, you can do that?'
But we're coming out of the last few weeks, days of the President Bush Administration, and President Bush is changing a lot of laws so you've got to keep your eye on him. And what he's doing now, one of the things that really upsets me, he's taken a lot of things, a lot of stuff, off the endangered species list. Do you know what I'm talking about? Do you like endangered species? Well, so I do. I had one for lunch. But I'll tell you, this taking things of the endangered species list is bad, it's really bad. In fact, it is really bad news for that thing on Donald Trump's head.
But there are some nice aspects during the transition period. For example, the Bush twins gave the Obama girls a tour of the White House. It was very sweet, but the Obama girls got really scared because they heard creepy organ music coming from Cheney's underground lair.
And then the Bush twins grabbed a candle and took the kids on a tour of Cheney's torture chamber.
Barack Obama, like many people, uses a Blackberry, but the Secret Service says this is a security hazard, so they took it away. I'm thinking, well, this is not fair. George Bush, do they let him keep his Gameboy? What's the problem?
President Bush is opening up more air space for travel during Thanksgiving. You're saying, what exactly are you talking about? I'm talking about air space. You know, like between his ears.
Earlier in the week, you know, this is historic when you think about it, you had President-elect Barack Obama going to the White House for a tour with George Bush, president inept. Not much of a tour. At one point, George Bush pointed out the window and said, over there, that's where we play t-ball. And that was it.
But the Bushes are packing up. This is eight years they've lived in the White House, and this is interesting. They're going to be gone in January, and the $4 billion moving contract went to Halliburton.
And at one point during this meeting, Joe Biden turns to Cheney and he says, 'Dick, tell me, what is it like being second-in-command?' And Cheney said: 'Hell, I don’t know. Ask Bush.'
You know the Secret Service that follows the candidates around and stuff? They have nicknames for the people that they work with. Like Barack Obama, his nickname, the Secret Service called him 'Renegade.' John McCain, I think they called him 'Maverick.' President Bush's Secret Service nickname is 'Occupant.'
You're not going to believe this. Bush's approval rating has dropped to an historic low. I'm telling you now, this guy has really got his work cut out for him for his third term.
And then today, the big transition process begins, because earlier today, Barack Obama met with President Bush at the White House. So you had the president-elect and the president-inept, so they were there together.
But I'm no pundit. I don't know anything about politics, but as soon as Barack Obama shook hands with President Bush, Obama's ratings went down 10 points.
There was a little confusion at the meeting there at the White House when President Bush was told that Obama was coming. He said oh, you mean we caught him?
You kind of got to feel bad for President Bush, the lame duck president, in the White House, and in comes the new hot guy, you know, so Bush obviously is going to be nervous. I mean, he kept referring to Obama, he kept calling him Chevy. And then Obama said to Bush, he said, now what is your biggest challenge in the Oval Office? And Bush said, you know what it was? My biggest challenge in the Oval Office, hanging pictures on those curved walls.
President Bush is getting ready to move out of the White House. He spent all today, spending all his time in the supply room, stealing stationery.
Boy, here's something. How about the new Oliver Stone motion picture, opened today, 'W?' Yes, and I want to tell you something. If there is one thing I can't get enough of, it's the Bush family. I'm proud to say that I'm actually in 'W.' I have a small part in 'W.' I play the guy who gets peppered with shotgun by Dick Cheney.
Happy Rosh Hashanah! It’s Jewish New Year. Down in Washington DC, a confused George Bush today pardoned a bagel.
Because of Sarah Palin, people are now asking the question: is she ready to be president? Is Sarah Palin ready to be president? If, God forbid, something happens to John McCain, is Sarah Palin ready to be president? I don't think we need to worry about that, because Bush has lowered the bar so tremendously.
President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. And before stepping out of the plane, he tested the air with a canary. But they got together, the Chinese, and threw a big state dinner for President Bush in his honor. They served Peking lame duck. And President Bush, he doesn’t know what he’s doing over there. He turned to the president of China, and he said, 'General Tso, I love your chicken.'
President Bush will be in China for the Olympics. He's gonna be there for the opening ceremonies, and also, while he's there, he will be searching for 'Lo Mein of Mass Destruction.'
Hey, by the way, President Bush is on a trip to Asia, ladies and gentlemen. He will be spending the entire week in the Orient. Usually Bush is in the disorient.
And President Bush, after eight years, is also in retirement. How can you tell?
President Bush is enjoying retirement in Crawford, Texas, maybe not as much as we are.
Former President Bush is back at his place in Texas. It's known as Rancho IneptoInepto.
Bush is not worrying about the country. No, it's like he's still president.
And they're talking about a dog called a labradoodle. That's not a dog. That's George W. Bush playing Scrabble. Come on!
President Bush is busy saying good-bye to everybody. Last night he was on Larry King, and I think tomorrow he's making a farewell lasagna with Rachel Ray.
Bush is getting nostalgic. He says he's not sure how he will feel on January 21st, but I think I kind of know how the rest of us will feel.
One week from today, Barack Obama becomes president, and the current president becomes George W. Bush, mall cop. Did you know that?
But I think everybody has warm feelings for George Bush now. He held his final press conference yesterday. And he admitted -- it takes a big man to do this -- he admitted that a couple of things didn't go according to plan. A couple of things went haywire. Yeah, his first term and his second term. Those two things.
But President Bush did take credit for a couple of things. He said, you know, Dick Cheney hasn't shot anybody in a couple of years. So that's always good, right?
By the way, one week from tomorrow, here's what's going to happen. George W. Bush will be walking around on the ranch in Crawford, Texas, and he'll be saying: 'Listen to this, boys. You ought to see it. The office, it's an oval. Like a circle but it's an oval. I'm not kidding. No corners. It's like an oval. Honest to God. I was there for eight years.
Barack Obama promised his kids he would get them a dog when they moved to the White House. But President Bush is nervous. When he heard dog in the White House, he thought, 'Uh oh! What if he digs up all those Al Gore ballots in the back?'
Barack Obama promised his kids he would get them a dog when they moved to the White House. But President Bush is nervous. When he heard dog in the White House, he thought, 'Uh oh! What if he digs up all those Al Gore ballots in the back?'
It's cold here in New York City. The temperature is actually lower than President Bush’s approval rating.
President Bush had his final press conference today, and it went pretty well. Only three shoes were thrown.
After eight years, it is kind of sad President Bush had his final press conference. And you know what that means for us here at the ‘Late Show.’ We’re going to have to start writing our own comedy again.
On this date in 2001 ... George W. Bush was certified as the winner of the 2000 presidential election. How about that? That turned out pretty well, didn't it?
By the way, First Lady Laura Bush, Laura Bush is writing a memoir. The name of the memoir, I believe, is 'I'm with Stupid.'
President Bush is busy saying good-bye to everybody. Last night he was on Larry King, and I think tomorrow he's making a farewell lasagna with Rachel Ray.
Bush is getting nostalgic. He says he's not sure how he will feel on January 21st, but I think I kind of know how the rest of us will feel.
One week from today, Barack Obama becomes president, and the current president becomes George W. Bush, mall cop. Did you know that?
But I think everybody has warm feelings for George Bush now. He held his final press conference yesterday. And he admitted -- it takes a big man to do this -- he admitted that a couple of things didn't go according to plan. A couple of things went haywire. Yeah, his first term and his second term. Those two things.
But President Bush did take credit for a couple of things. He said, you know, Dick Cheney hasn't shot anybody in a couple of years. So that's always good, right?
By the way, one week from tomorrow, here's what's going to happen. George W. Bush will be walking around on the ranch in Crawford, Texas, and he'll be saying: 'Listen to this, boys. You ought to see it. The office, it's an oval. Like a circle but it's an oval. I'm not kidding. No corners. It's like an oval. Honest to God. I was there for eight years.
Barack Obama promised his kids he would get them a dog when they moved to the White House. But President Bush is nervous. When he heard dog in the White House, he thought, 'Uh oh! What if he digs up all those Al Gore ballots in the back?'
Barack Obama promised his kids he would get them a dog when they moved to the White House. But President Bush is nervous. When he heard dog in the White House, he thought, 'Uh oh! What if he digs up all those Al Gore ballots in the back?'
It's cold here in New York City. The temperature is actually lower than President Bush’s approval rating.
President Bush had his final press conference today, and it went pretty well. Only three shoes were thrown.
After eight years, it is kind of sad President Bush had his final press conference. And you know what that means for us here at the ‘Late Show.’ We’re going to have to start writing our own comedy again.
On this date in 2001 ... George W. Bush was certified as the winner of the 2000 presidential election. How about that? That turned out pretty well, didn't it?
By the way, First Lady Laura Bush, Laura Bush is writing a memoir. The name of the memoir, I believe, is 'I'm with Stupid.'
Well, let me know what you think of this. George Herbert Walker Bush says that his son, Jeb, would make a great president. And I’m thinking, a third Bush in the White House. Boy, cut me a slice of that, you know?
Here's something that is funny and also serious and not so funny at the same time but mostly funny. Barack Obama smokes cigarettes. And he has tried to quit. And he quit but every now and then he's got to --you know. It's hard to break old habits but it can be done. For an example, a couple of years ago, President Bush quit working. So, it can be done.
A lot of people have forgotten about President Bush, but this transitional period is a busy time for President Bush as well. He's busy granting pardons. Today, he pardoned Sarah Palin for her interview with Katie Couric.
That Obama is a smart, hard-working guy. And he has promised now to stabilize the economy, going to rebuild the infrastructure, create millions of new jobs, catch bin Laden. President Bush said, 'Uh, you can do that?'
But we're coming out of the last few weeks, days of the President Bush Administration, and President Bush is changing a lot of laws so you've got to keep your eye on him. And what he's doing now, one of the things that really upsets me, he's taken a lot of things, a lot of stuff, off the endangered species list. Do you know what I'm talking about? Do you like endangered species? Well, so I do. I had one for lunch. But I'll tell you, this taking things of the endangered species list is bad, it's really bad. In fact, it is really bad news for that thing on Donald Trump's head.
But there are some nice aspects during the transition period. For example, the Bush twins gave the Obama girls a tour of the White House. It was very sweet, but the Obama girls got really scared because they heard creepy organ music coming from Cheney's underground lair.
And then the Bush twins grabbed a candle and took the kids on a tour of Cheney's torture chamber.
Barack Obama, like many people, uses a Blackberry, but the Secret Service says this is a security hazard, so they took it away. I'm thinking, well, this is not fair. George Bush, do they let him keep his Gameboy? What's the problem?
President Bush is opening up more air space for travel during Thanksgiving. You're saying, what exactly are you talking about? I'm talking about air space. You know, like between his ears.
Earlier in the week, you know, this is historic when you think about it, you had President-elect Barack Obama going to the White House for a tour with George Bush, president inept. Not much of a tour. At one point, George Bush pointed out the window and said, over there, that's where we play t-ball. And that was it.
But the Bushes are packing up. This is eight years they've lived in the White House, and this is interesting. They're going to be gone in January, and the $4 billion moving contract went to Halliburton.
And at one point during this meeting, Joe Biden turns to Cheney and he says, 'Dick, tell me, what is it like being second-in-command?' And Cheney said: 'Hell, I don’t know. Ask Bush.'
You know the Secret Service that follows the candidates around and stuff? They have nicknames for the people that they work with. Like Barack Obama, his nickname, the Secret Service called him 'Renegade.' John McCain, I think they called him 'Maverick.' President Bush's Secret Service nickname is 'Occupant.'
You're not going to believe this. Bush's approval rating has dropped to an historic low. I'm telling you now, this guy has really got his work cut out for him for his third term.
And then today, the big transition process begins, because earlier today, Barack Obama met with President Bush at the White House. So you had the president-elect and the president-inept, so they were there together.
But I'm no pundit. I don't know anything about politics, but as soon as Barack Obama shook hands with President Bush, Obama's ratings went down 10 points.
There was a little confusion at the meeting there at the White House when President Bush was told that Obama was coming. He said oh, you mean we caught him?
You kind of got to feel bad for President Bush, the lame duck president, in the White House, and in comes the new hot guy, you know, so Bush obviously is going to be nervous. I mean, he kept referring to Obama, he kept calling him Chevy. And then Obama said to Bush, he said, now what is your biggest challenge in the Oval Office? And Bush said, you know what it was? My biggest challenge in the Oval Office, hanging pictures on those curved walls.
President Bush is getting ready to move out of the White House. He spent all today, spending all his time in the supply room, stealing stationery.
Boy, here's something. How about the new Oliver Stone motion picture, opened today, 'W?' Yes, and I want to tell you something. If there is one thing I can't get enough of, it's the Bush family. I'm proud to say that I'm actually in 'W.' I have a small part in 'W.' I play the guy who gets peppered with shotgun by Dick Cheney.
Happy Rosh Hashanah! It’s Jewish New Year. Down in Washington DC, a confused George Bush today pardoned a bagel.
Because of Sarah Palin, people are now asking the question: is she ready to be president? Is Sarah Palin ready to be president? If, God forbid, something happens to John McCain, is Sarah Palin ready to be president? I don't think we need to worry about that, because Bush has lowered the bar so tremendously.
President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. And before stepping out of the plane, he tested the air with a canary. But they got together, the Chinese, and threw a big state dinner for President Bush in his honor. They served Peking lame duck. And President Bush, he doesn’t know what he’s doing over there. He turned to the president of China, and he said, 'General Tso, I love your chicken.'
President Bush will be in China for the Olympics. He's gonna be there for the opening ceremonies, and also, while he's there, he will be searching for 'Lo Mein of Mass Destruction.'
Hey, by the way, President Bush is on a trip to Asia, ladies and gentlemen. He will be spending the entire week in the Orient. Usually Bush is in the disorient.
Top Ten Things Overheard at the Bush-Obama Meeting
