Born April 12, 1947, in Indianapolis, Indiana, the "King of Late Night" hosts The Late Show on CBS.

David Letterman on: Hillary Clinton | John McCain | Barack Obama | Sarah Palin | George W. Bush The Debates | The Economy | The Election | Rod Blagojevich


Either today or yesterday, Barack Obama said Americans are 'sick and tired' of people 'being rewarded for failure.' Is he talking about me?

One percent of Americans participating in this poll believe believe Dick Cheney is the best Vice President ever. Everybody else in the poll believes that that one percent should be wearing funny hats.

You folks around the country probably know this, but here in New York City it's freezing cold. It's so cold today that that Bernie Madoff is actually looking forward to burning in hell.

Let me just say a word about these jokes that I am telling right now, ladies and gentlemen. Like President-elect Obama says, 'It's going to get worse before it gets better.'

NASA has developed a urine machine that will convert urine into water. Well, guess what? It's on the blink. And you thought the coffee was bad where you work.

And down in Washington, D.C., the Capitol Hill Christmas tree arrived. And there is no surprise here. You know, they've got to decorate the tree. So the contract to decorate the tree, a $10 billion ornament contract, went to Halliburton.

Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is apparently ill, rumored to be ill. And he's in the hospital today. And his condition has been downgraded from serious to ugly.

But they say Ahmadinejad is exhausted from overwork. And you know, thank God that will never happen to George Bush.

Today's Columbus Day, the day we celebrate Christopher Columbus discovering America, or as it is now known, "a fixer-upper."

You know who else is in town at the U.N.? Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and I believe this is his first visit to New York City since his 1970s affair with Barbara Walters.

I would like to say a couple of words about Ahmadinejad, those words being short and ugly.

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad also spoke at the U.N. earlier today. Do you know anything about Ahmadinejad? He is so humorless. I mean, just completely nothing. Absolutely void of humor. So they've asked him to host next year's Emmys.

Did you know that? Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. This is a guy who hates Jews and gays. Boy, is he in the wrong town. Good luck.

And how about Matt Damon? ... Yeah, Matt Damon says he believes that Sarah Palin would be a disaster in the White House. That's what Matt Damon says. Wait a minute, wait a minute. I think I'll wait to hear what Ben Affleck has to say.

Are you folks following this Freddie Mac/Fannie Mae fiasco? Do you know anything about it? It's horrible, isn't it? I mean horrible and scary. Thank God it's over. Earlier today, earlier today Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae were both adopted by Angelina Jolie.

The theme of the Democratic Convention is unity. Unfortunately they can't agree on how that works.

Yeah, the Democratic Convention is in Denver, and security is tight out there, it is very tight, it's tighter than Nancy Pelosi's face.


New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

June 1st is the start of the hurricane season. President Bush is already stockpiling excuses.