Taken to the ghetto

I was taken to the ghetto once That's the worst when you're taken and you're not expecting to go. Usually you want to know when you're going to the ghetto, like, "I'm gonna see some wild s**t, I gotta prepare myself to see something crazy." When you're taken its different. I had a limousine driver, it was after the show, at like 3 in the morning. I had a limousine driver, he's a nice guy, talking to me and s**t. He's like, "Where you from, dog? D.C.? Word. That's a rough city, man." And his cellphone started ringing, he's like, "Hold one one second. Hello? Oh, what's up nigga? What? What the f**k, slow down, what? What the f**k? No! No! No! F**k it, I'm on my way!" Boop. "Hey, I gotta make a stop real quick."

At 3 o'clock in the morning, and I didn't know he was taking me to the ghetto at first. I started looking out the window, see gun store, gun store, liquor store, gun store, where the f**k you taking me? This don't look good. He didn't say s**t. He just pulled up in front of an old rickety building that looked like a project. I've never been there before, I'm not sure if it was a project, it certainly had all the familiar symptoms of a project. A f**king crackhead ran this way, tk-tk-tk-tk-tk-tk! Then another one jumped out of a tree and s**t, tk-tk-tk! The guy said, "I'll be right back," and left me. Took the keys with him and just left me.

At 3 o'clock in the morning, in front of a project, in a f**king limousine. This was not good. I was like, "I gotta look around, find some landmarks, see if I can figure out where I'm at. I might have to escape on foot." Now this is when I know I'm in a bad neighborhood, you only see this in the worst neighborhoods. Remember, this was 3 o'clock in the morning. I looked out the window, and there was a f**king baby standing on the corner. And the baby didn't even look scared, he was just standing there. And it made me sad you know, because I wanted to help the baby. I was like, "Mm mm I don't trust you either!" Click! Cllllick! The old baby-on-the-corner trick, eh? Not gonna fall for that s**t. But where is this limousine driver?"

As time goes by I start feeling worse, I was like, "What the hell is wrong with me, I'm scared of a baby! But this baby could be in trouble, he may need my help. I gotta do something." But I wasn't gonna get out of the car. I'm serious, man. I just cranked the window open a little bit. "Hey baby! Baby, go home, man! It's 3 o'clock in the morning man, what the f**k are you doing up?" The baby says, "I'm selling weed, nigga!"

911

Hello, emergency...
Help! Help, motherf**ker, they coming to get me!
Now, just come down sir. Where are you?
Oooohhh! Oh, I shit on myself! I can't stop crying!

They play that s**t 30 or 40 times a day. Man, you see your buddies at your funeral. You know Dave s**t on himself before he died. Saw it on the news, died crying like a bitch. I be dead, I can't defend myself. That's not a nice thing to do. That's not a nice thing to do. No one calls 911 cool and relaxed. Now that s**t would sound ridiculous:

Hello, emergency...
Hi. Hey 911 how are you? Yeah, aah, look... There's a group of hooded white men gathering outside my house. And it looks like they mean business. "Get out here ni**er." I gotta go. You guys try and hurry.

More Dave Chappelle Jokes

You'll be walking down the street and you'll see a bunch of black dudes walking, not just any old black dudes, we're talking thugs. And in the group, they got one, or two, sometimes as many as three white guys with them, you ever seen that s**t? Well let me tell you something about those white guys. Those white guys are the most dangerous motherf**kers in them groups. It's true, man. There's no telling what kind of crazy s**t they've done to get them black dudes respect, but I'll tell you they've done some wild s**t.

It is truly an honor and a privilege for me to be here at Pinehurst School, or whatever your school is called today. I say it's a privilege, because its a violation of my parole to be around children. But enough about that! Hello little boys and little girls! Mmmm mmmm mmmm!

Somebody broke into my house once. This is a good time to call the police, but mm mm, nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe I lived in it. They'd be like "He's still here!" Whack! "Oh my god. Open and shut case, Johnson. I saw this once when I was a rookie. Apparently this ni**er broke in and put up pictures of his family everywhere."

Dave! Relax! Close your buttcheeks!