Dane Cook: Obby

We always have creepy people around, a creepy individual, and it starts off when we're young-uns; when we're young-uns there's a creepy person. Back in school, back in the day, which by the way, I don't know if you knew this, was a Wednesday. Thats a little fun fact. Yeah, when you refer to "back in the day" it's a Wednesday. Take that home, chew it, it's delicious.

Back when we were tots there was always that one kid in school, that one kid in class, that smelt like piss. Right, Robby was his name, Robby or Obby, he was an Obby name. And Obby didn't just smell like a hint of piss, he didn't smell like a smidgen of piss, that kid smelt like he was dipped in a vat of piss, like he woke up in the morning and said "Woooo! Bring on the piss!" and someone brought on the piss. I dont know who'd bring piss on but you can pretty much hire anyone on Google these days. Just type in "piss painters" or something I'm sure somebody will come over and coat you down with a sheet off piss for a reasonable price.

He would steal from the class, he was a f**king thief, A F**KING stealing thief! He would use his piss vapour to deter you away from watching him STEAL S**T from the class, cause he's a thief, a clepto thief, Obby. He would always take my favorite markers, those smelly markers, remember those? The teacher would put them out and everyone would freak. "GIVE ME THE RED ONE! GIVE ME THE RED ONE!" (smells) "Hah!" (smells) "Smells like cherries, I guarantee you, this is like cherries but it's a marker. Gimme the brown one, I'll trade ya!" (smells) "CINNAMON, this one's cinnamon, the brown is cinnamon!" (smells) "How do they do this, how do they do this?!" But the black one always smelt like an asshole, didn't it? You grab the black one... (smells) "What is that?!" (smells) "That is a bag of asses!" (smells) "I'm keepin this, this one's mine!" (smells) "I can't stop guys, I can't!" (smells) "I just saw Jesus's eyes! This marker has shown me Jesus's eyes!"

And even though this marker smelt like an asshole AND you just saw Jesus's eyes, there was still a kid following you around. "Can I smell? Can I smell? What does it smell? I didn't get a..." (whines) "Can I..." (whines) And then he would aggravate you until you were like "Here, fine, smell it!" And when he leaned in, you go "AAAAAAAA-ha-ha-ha-ha, nice face!" (smells) "I'm going to go puke blood! What are you? WHAT ARE YOU ?!"

Dane Cook: Struck by a Vehicle

Three weeks ago, one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I've always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car. Nailed. They guy got hit right in the hip, that's your center of gravity that can send you flipping through the air like Eddy Gordo from Tekken when you don't know how to do combos and they're just hitting the buttons randomly. I always just miss it, right. I'm looking then I go to order my twisty cone and PPFFTT! WHAT?! Ohhh, what happened?! The guy got hit?! Noo! I just went to order my twisty cone and I missed it!

This guy gets nailed. This is the set up. He's walking down the street, and he's doing that wacky speed walk. He's got the buds in his ears and I don't know what you're listening to that makes you do that f**king walk, just a tambourine or maracas? You're just chicka-chucka-chucka-chucka. So Johnny Tambourine is walking down the street. He's got the "Not A Good Time To Cross" signal. As he's going across I see the car VVVVRRRRTT coming down the street and when I see the car coming I'm like YESSS! Finally. Don't talk to me. Don't talk to me. I've got to see this.

PPFFTT! This guy goes flying into the air. His shoes fly off! When you get hit by a car sometimes your shoes will fly off. Sometimes your pants will come off. But I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion on this strike. And before i go any further, here's the best part, this is how he lands: on the other side of the car, which was a Dodge by the way, and I thought that that was kind of funny and ironic. I got a little humor out of that.

I did try to help this man. As the car was coming towards him, I reached out and I said "EEUUUUUHH!" "EEUUUUUUHH," that's all I could think of to say. There are so many things now in retrospect that I would have loved to have been, like "YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET STRUCK BY A VEHICLE!" I did not have time to say, "You're about to get struck by a vehicle." So I went with "EEUUUUHH," which is like a concerned moan.

That guy gets tagged. Okay, the greatest part of the story: he's in the air, flipping around, and this is how he lands -- on the other side of the car. He comes down perfectly on his feet! Then he jumps in the air and he starts walking around embarrassed. He's trying to play it off like he just didn't get hit by a car! People around him are like, "OH MY GOD, ARE YOU ALRIGHT?! ARE YOU ALRIGHT?! ARE YOU OKAY?!" and he's like, "I'm fine, I'm fine. Serious, I'm fine. I'm a little bit hungry, but uhhh, other than that I'm..." "NO YOU SHOULD REALLY SIT DOWN, YOU'RE BLEEDING FROM THE EARS!" "I know, I know that. I do that. Every couple of weeks I empty the blood out of my own head. It's... tradition in my family. Has anyone seen my shoes? I kicked them off in a fit of joy. I love getting struck by vehicles and sometimes I'll kick my shoes off in a fit of joy. I'm fine. I'm just gonna go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush."

Dane Cook: Head

They always want head. We love it. We always have to watch, right? Right, if you have a lot of hair we f**king turn into Vidal Sassoon all of a sudden. We got like scrunchies and banana clips coming out of nowhere. Hairspray. "Good. Good. Good." Front row seats. "I like that with the lips, the thing you're doing with the lips is good."

You know what's so weird, why does this happen? This is a weird thing... phenomena. Alright. Sometimes guys, you're having sex right, and everything's going great, everything's, you know,NNNNEEEEEAAAUUU, right? When all of a sudden, there's a voice that comes into our brains and starts telling us to say s**t. Like, "Yeah, say that, say that, it's perfect. Say that right now," right? So you're like, "Yeah, f**king say that," and you just grab her hair and you whisper, "Eeeyeaa," and you don't think about it, you just say it . "Yeaaah, f**king s-say things. You hear what I say? You like that, huh?"

Right, but yeah, you say things, but sometimes you say some s**t and then you think about it like two hours later, and you're like, "What the f**k was I talking about?!" And you get all embarrassed, like I was with this girl recently, right, and I was just totally in the zone, right, and out of nowhere I was like, "Ohhhh yeaaaaah, my d**k feels like corn." Sounded good at the time. She didn't even miss a beat, she was like, "Gimme the butter, baby, gimme the butter! Come on, Orville Redembacher, pop that p***y!"

We should just have an orgy right here, right now. Let's just f**king turn off the lights and everybody just feeeeeeel around. Le's just turn off the lights and play a game called Who's In My Mouth? (audience member cries "careful") Did you just say, "careful?" What are you, like my lifeguard? "Careful! Careful, Dane! What, are you spotting my jokes? Careful... careful..."

Dane Cook: Super Powers

I wish I had some superpowers. I was thinking about that the other day. Maybe quit comedy, fight some crime. Everybody wants to fly. That's the number one power. If I could grant you a power, "Dane, I'd love to fly." Yeah? Who the f**k doesn't? Who doesn't want to leave the show tonight and be like, "Alright I'll catch you guys later." Shwwooosh and zip up into the skies. "I can show you the world. Shining, shimmering splendor."

You know what I'd like to be able to do more than anything else? I'd love to be able to shoot spaghetti out of my fingertips. Pppptthhh! Cause no one wants to be covered in spaghetti. No. If I'm on a date with a girl and she's very rude, I'd be like, "You know what?" Pppptthhh! "Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very rude. Enjoy your spaghetti, cause you're rude." Pppptthhh!

These are all dreams. These are all things we want to have. (to man in audience) If I could grant you a power, any power, what would you want? Anything right now? "Dah, Jesus." You want to be Jesus? God you're such an egotistical prick. He thinks he's Jesus. Ah, Jesus. I'd love to cover him with spaghetti right now. Pppptthhh! Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very egotistical. Ahhh, Christ. Not you.

I'd love to shoot a laser out of my c**k. And when I'm empty my balls glow. Low fuel, balls are empty.

More Dane Cook Jokes

When you walk into the public restroom, why is everything f**king wet?
I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey, because that is a lot of evidence to eat. Unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.

Wouldn't it be awesome just to come home and know that somewhere in your place there's a monkey you're gonna battle?I hate it when somebody turns around in my driveway. You're just sitting comfortably, watching T, you hear a car pulling up. Like, "Who is this?!" It's so disruptive. You look out: strange car, you don't know if it's a government official. You start getting concerned "What, I don't know this car!" Then they turn to leave. You're like, "You son of a bitch! You wasted moments of my life! Moments I will never get back!"

Here’s another way to be remembered, again, this one is more personal. It’s more for you because nobody is ever going to know that it was you, but you’ll know, and that’s all that matters. Next time you go to a party, a great big party, go into the room where all the coats are, and s**t on the coats. Guaranteed at some point, somebody is going to walk outta that room and go, “SOMEONE S**T ON THE COATS! SOMEONE HAS S**T ON THE COATS!” That’s the only thing you can say when someone s**ts on the coats, “SOMEONE S**T ON THE COATS!” They might say, “I think someone s**t on the coats." But you know, you just don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, “I think someone may have s**t on or around the coats area, there’s a smell of s**t around the perimeter, the vicinity of coats, leading me to believe that someone has s**t...” But again you’re there, you’re there watching it all happen, and it’s your job, all you’re going to do at some point, you’re going to lean in and go, “What!?!” And then blend back into the crowd. “What?! I hope that it wasn’t on my coat.” And then, boom, you’re a phantom, you just disappear, disappear.

Nobody talks to that guy. But let me tell you something. Every job I ever had in my life, I talk to that guy. I'd talk to him, I'd find him on purpose and I'd have little chit-chats with him, and I'd be very interested and be like, "By the way, here's a Snickers, that's for you. Peanuts, caramel, put that in your mouth, enjoy that." You know why I talk to that guy? Because when that day finally comes, and he ffffffffffp snaps, and he comes into work with a sawed-off shotgun, walkin' through the halls (gunfire noises) and he finally gets to my office, he's gonna be like, "Thanks for the candy." (continues shooting) You laugh now, but you know Monday morning, you're gonna be like, "heyyy, Marcus!"