In order to deal with the bad economy, every government now is trying to come up with ideas. The governor of New York wants to put a tax on massages. Yeah, the tax will be known as the unhappy ending tax.

A plan to bail out the Big Three automakers stalled in Congress today. Yeah. As a result, Congress plans to buy a better-built Japanese bailout plan.

Everybody in Detroit right now is hoping for a bailout for the auto industry. All of Detroit's consumed with this. And true story, it was in the news, this Sunday. In Detroit, a church put an SUV on stage in order to pray for a miracle for the Big Three automakers. And apparently, there was a miracle. Someone bought the SUV. At factory price.

General Motors announced that they are ending their endorsement deal with Tiger Woods. When asked why, a spokesperson for General Motors said, 'Tiger Woods is successful, competitive, and popular. And that's just not us.'

The auto executives for the Big Three are being criticized now, because, before they asked Congress for billions of dollars, they all flew to Washington in private jets. Yeah, separately, in private jets. In their defense, the executives said, 'We would have driven, but our cars only get three miles to the gallon.

Earlier today, the heads of GM, Ford, and Chrysler appeared together in front of Congress to ask for a $25 billion bailout. And here's what's interesting. When asked what they would do with the money, all three of them said, 'Buy a new BMW.'

Americans say they are planning to do a lot of their holiday shopping this year at warehouse stores like Costco. Beause, folks, nothing says Merry Christmas like 90 rolls of toilet paper.

American Express is in financial trouble. The company reportedly wants a $5.5 billion loan from the government. Yeah, unfortunately for American Express, the government only takes Visa and Diners Club.

Of course, lots of sour news about the economy. The federal government has announced that due to the bad economy, it is going to have to lay off 40,000 postal workers. Yeah, 40,000 disgruntled postal workers. What could possibly go wrong?

President Bush announced today he is going to have the Federal government put $250 billion into US banks. Yeah. Bush also said if he's putting that much money into a bank, they'd better give him a big-ass toaster.

This weekend, the leaders of the world's richest countries got together to discuss the global economic meltdown. Yeah. President Bush wanted to go to the meeting, but after last week, the U.S. is no longer one of the world's richest countries.

Last night on NBC, the fourth contestant was kicked off the show, “The Biggest Loser.” Yeah, that leaves two contestants, the C.E.O. of A.I.G. and the C.E.O. of Lehman Brothers.

President Bush gave a speech today about the economy. And he said he believes, this is his quote. He said, 'Anyone who makes bad decisions should fail.' That's what he said, yeah. Yeah, then Bush looked around the room and said, 'Hey, why did it get so quiet in here?'

Today, President Bush signed the Wall Street bailout bill, but he said our economy continues to face serious challenges. Bush said he thought those challenges could be overcome as soon as he leaves office in two months.

Yesterday, the Dow Jones average dropped 777 points, which wiped out $1.2 trillion in the stock market. Financial experts say the last time that much money disappeared in one day was when Oprah left her purse in a cab.

Of course, the big bailout plan that was supposed to save everything failed yesterday. Political experts say if a new version of the economic bailout plan is going to pass, significant changes are going to have to be made. Yeah. For instance, Congress is going to have to remove the section of the plan that says, 'Sweet Jesus, please let this work.'

Now yesterday, John McCain said that Federal aid to Wall Street shouldn’t be called a “bailout,” but instead should be called a “rescue.” Yeah. McCain also said he's not old, he's 'geezerific.'

Congress trying very hard, once again, with this bailout plan. And economists are now claiming that our nation's leaders did not properly explain the bailout plan to the public. That was the problem, yeah. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'While you're at it, could someone explain it to me?'

Today the House of Representatives voted against the Wall Street bailout plan, a plan which House Minority Leader John Boehner called 'a crap sandwich.' Yeah, that's what he said. Congress hasn't given up though. They're already working on a new plan which they call 'a crap sandwich with cheese.'

The House of Representatives failed to get enough votes to pass the Wall Street bailout plan. Since that didn't work, they're going to attack an even bigger problem: bailing out the New York Mets.

Now today, I don't want to alarm you, when the stock market closed, it was down 777 points, which is the biggest point drop in American history. As a result, President Bush was able to cross off the tenth and final item on his administrations bucket list.

Now the treasury secretary at this moment, trying very hard to get the bailout plan passed. He wants to get that passed. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson is so desperate to get his bailout plan passed that yesterday -- this is true -- he got down on his knees in front of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. He did that, yeah. And apparently, Paulson wants the plan to pass so badly, he also offered to get down on his knees in front of Barney Frank.

Yesterday, Congressman Tim Murphy of Pennsylvania voiced concern that the bailout plan doesn't protect the little guy. Yeah. After hearing, this, Dennis Kucinich said, 'I'll be fine.

Our economy, right now, in a little bit of trouble. President Bush has been working hard on the economy to solve this problem. That should calm you.

Yesterday, President Bush telephoned both John McCain and Barack Obama to discuss the current financial crisis. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, the entire conversation consisted of Bush yelling, 'Suckers! and hanging up.

Earlier tonight, President Bush gave a speech about the Wall Street financial crisis. The title of Bush’s speech was 'Two More Months and It Ain’t My Problem.

President Bush has been speaking out about the Wall Street bailout. And today, a reporter asked him what he planned to do about AIG. Yeah. Bush got upset and said, 'Why does everyone always spell in front of me?'

Yesterday, after the Dow Jones industrial average dropped over 500 points, President Bush chimed in. This is what he said. He said, 'Adjustments in the financial markets can be difficult.' Yeah, then he told the American people to bend over.