This is a big announcement. Warner Brothers announced that it is outsourcing several hundred jobs to India, which explains why in the next 'Batman' movie, the Batmobile is a bus with 400 people hanging off the side.

At Washington's Union Station, Ikea has built a replica of the Oval Office where all the furnishing have been replaced with Ikea furniture. Yeah, experts say it finally answers the question, 'What if the President was a 28-year-old divorced guy.'

Astronauts on board the International Space Station are trying to fix the machine that turns urine into drinking water. Well, actually, the urine converter was fixed days ago, but the astronauts keep saying, 'You try it. No, you try it.'

Everyone's talking about the American auto industry right now. A new study just came out and found that the Ford Motor Company makes the cars with the highest safety rating. Of all the cars, yeah. Yeah, apparently, Ford cars are so safe because they never leave the dealer's lot.

It was reported today that the machine on board the International Space Station that turns urine into drinking water has been fixed. After hearing this, an astronaut said, 'Wait. You mean that wasn't lemon Tang?'

Time magazine says that the winner of the presidential election in Florida will be determined by voters under the age of 30. In case you're wondering, the Florida voters under 30 are named Kyle and Stacy.

A new study just came out. According to the study ... Mexico is one of the happiest countries in the world. Isn't that nice? Yeah, apparently people from Mexico are happy because most of them get to live in Los Angeles.

On Election Day, Ralph Nader will appear on the presidential ballot in only 45 states. Yeah, Nader said, this is really disappointing, I wanted to embarrass myself in all 50 states. That was the plan.

Today in Washington, DC, Independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader met with Libertarian presidential candidate Ron Paul. They didn't plan the meeting. They just bumped into each other in a soup line.

This week, Amy Winehouse is going to be appearing at a music festival, and she's demanding - this is true - that her dressing room be stocked with 50 bottles of Jack Daniel's. Yeah. Yeah, so the good news is she's cutting back.

During John McCain's speech last night, an anti-Republican heckler began yelling at him. Yeah. Officials removed the man and immediately gave him a job at MSNBC.

Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it's 22 years later, and they still haven't lost their virginity.

Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob.

President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards.

Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood.

Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.

Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer.

In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber' union.

In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army.

The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fire fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said 'Yes.'

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language.

Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans.

During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage.

Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me.

Tom Cruise's attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin's attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion.