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| Version | User | Scope of changes |
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| May 13 2008, 6:06 PM EDT (current) | Wild-Kat | 34 words added |
| May 13 2008, 5:40 PM EDT | Wild-Kat |
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DR. SEUSS EXPLAINS COMPUTERS
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disc abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index does not flash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the suckers gonna hang.
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disc,
and the micro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you have to flash your memory, and you'll want to RAM your ROM...
Quickly turn off your computer and go and tell your Mom.
A woman called a computer help desk to inquire about a problem. She explained to the man on the line her problem, and he eventually figured out that a few files were lost from a floppy disk. "Do you make backups?" he asked hopefully.
"Oh, yes, we were instructed to copy all of our data disks every day."
"Well, put the backup copy in the computer, and I'll show you how to restore the files."
"You mean put it in the printer?"
"Huh? Put it in the disk drive."
"How am I going to do that?"
You see, each night they used a Xerox machine to copy their disks, and neatly stored the pictures of each disk in a filing cabinet. He suggested that they fax a new copy of their disk to them.
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front ofthe monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
Customer: I have problems printing in red... Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer ? Customer: No.
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am ? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry. Internet Explorer.
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech Support, may I help you ?
Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me ?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem ?
Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
Customer: Hi I just moved my PC from the floor to the top of my desk. Do I still turn it on the same way?
The funniest one that I had was when I was working for an Internet Technical Support Company a about 6 years ago... Computers were still new so Customer Patience was upmost priority and the customers were paying .50p per minute for technical help. A lady called in saying that she switched on her computer but that there was nothing on her screen. We went through all the obvious questions, is the monitor plugged in, is the plug socket switched on, etc... After about 10 minutes of technical trouble shooting, I asked her a question that was when was the last time the monitor worked? She replied this morning, I said what did you do from here, she replied that I put the monitor in the dishwasher as it was mucky....
User: The design of this mouse is terrible. How can anyone use such a device? After 15 minutes I found out the user was using the mouse upside down.
Operator #1: "Helpdesk, what seems to be the problem?"
User: "My monitor doesn't work properly. It keeps going blurry."
Operator: "Fuzzy?"
User: "Yes, when I have my glasses on it is fine but every time I take them off my screen goes blurry."
The Operator hands the call to Operator #2 because he is laughing too hard to respond and after a few minutes the user admitted that yes, it was a bit dense to call in, but she still asked for us to send a tech to check the screen.
True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
I've done tech support in the past, don't do it anymore but I was in a training session with some managerial folk and was blown away by this one:
The instructor was giving a demo and one of the managers asked if he was right clicking or left clicking. The instructor told him he was left clicking. The manager says that this is no good. He needs it to be right click only. The instructor didn't understand the problem. The manager proceeds to tell him that almost all of his staff are right handed and it will be a waste of time for them to reach over with their left hand to click the mouse button.
(Maybe Apple had it right all along).
A lady calls in very upset stating that we shipped her an incomplete system. She says that we only shipped her the monitor and the keyboard and that we still need to send her the "tower" and she wants to know when are we delivering the "tower". After a while struggling to get her account number and verifying her info, I realize she ordered a laptop. I tried to explain her that she ordered a laptop and that her order has been delivered completely according to the records. The lady starts to yell because she says her order is incomplete and yada yada yada. Then I convince her to look into her box for a smaller box called 'ac adapter' when she finally finds it I ask her to plug it in the back, the lady asks me where in the back, after telling her were to connect the adapter I ask her to take a look into her 'keyboard' for a button that says power and to press it. At this point I was really about to laugh but I contained. The lady pressed the button and guess what? It turned on. The lady was like, whoa! how did you do that?
I couldn't hold myself anymore, I muted the call and started laughing out loud.
Back in the days when a 20 mb hard drive was reasonable, I took a call from someone who had installed our program (WordStar; RIP) and wanted to complain because he now only had "18 M" left on his computer. "That's not enough to do anything! Why does Wordstar take up so much room?)"
Me: The M means Megabytes, not Kilobytes.
Him: ... thank you, goodbye.
We had one person call us about an error message on their screen, for which the proper fix (in those WinNT days) was to restart the box. Having been asked to do that, 10 seconds later the person said "the computer is back up now, but the message is still there." He just turned off his monitor...
A non-technical one, as I answer credit card calls occasionally: "I just want to make sure I'm not going to get this annual fee every month.".
Straight out of Dilbert, that one...
The best one I can remember is a fellow work mate went out to check a computer that was making a strange beeping noise. He came back and said he'd fixed the problem. He asked the client to move while he entered in the keyboard code that would stop the beeping. It worked and she thanked him. I was puzzled, "What keyboard code?" I asked.
He replied, "Well she was well endowed, I didn't want to tell her that she would have to take her breasts off the keyboard".
That really happened and that was good thinking.
The other day a user called in wanting to troubleshoot our software. After dialing into his computer, I realized that this fellow had been paying us thousands of dollars a year and has not even been using our software. Gheez :)
Tech: What does it say on the screen now?
Customer: It says "Dell"
Tech: No, on the glass part, not the plastic part
Customer: My friggin pc keeps freezin up!
Tech: Let's try restarting it, sir.
(Customer reboots)
Tech: What's happening now?
Customer: Nuthin!
Tech: Are you hung?
Customer: Like a mule, what's that got to do with it?
Customer: My PC wont start
Tech: Is it plugged in?
Customer: I can't tell. It's too dark to see behind my desk because the power went out in the building
One user called in and was hysterical because he had a report that was due in an hour. The problem he reported was that every time he typed the word "the," it disappeared and was replaced with "I like to take baths with young boys" as soon as he pressed the space bar. For anyone familiar with Word, the cause was immediately apparent and is instantly recognized as one of the greatest practical jokes ever played: someone had gone into AutoCorrect and set it up so that the word "the" was replaced with the phrase of choice.
The screen caputure prank:
Take a screen cap of the desktop, then set that as the background. Then remove all the icons. People will spend countless mintues trying to double click icons that arent really there
IT: IT-department, Niklas speaking.
person: Oh yes, hello, my name is X and I’m calling from home. I’m trying to reach my webmail but it’s not working.
IT: I see; exactly how is it not working - can you log into the service?
p: No, the password isn’t working.
After a bit of trouble-shooting, the person interrupts me.
person: Oh, sorry for interrupting you, but…should I use my current password to log in?
IT: Oh yes indeed, you should always use your current password.
person: Oh! I was using the old one! Shouldn’t I use that one instead?
IT: No, try using your current one. That’s the way, always use the current password, and just discard the old one.
person: Oh, thank you!
IT: No problem. Thank you for calling, good-bye.
person: Good-bye!
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disc abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index does not flash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the suckers gonna hang.
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disc,
and the micro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you have to flash your memory, and you'll want to RAM your ROM...
Quickly turn off your computer and go and tell your Mom.
A Collection of Help Desk Stories
A woman called a computer help desk to inquire about a problem. She explained to the man on the line her problem, and he eventually figured out that a few files were lost from a floppy disk. "Do you make backups?" he asked hopefully.
"Oh, yes, we were instructed to copy all of our data disks every day."
"Well, put the backup copy in the computer, and I'll show you how to restore the files."
"You mean put it in the printer?"
"Huh? Put it in the disk drive."
"How am I going to do that?"
You see, each night they used a Xerox machine to copy their disks, and neatly stored the pictures of each disk in a filing cabinet. He suggested that they fax a new copy of their disk to them.
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front ofthe monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
Customer: I have problems printing in red... Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer ? Customer: No.
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am ? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry. Internet Explorer.
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech Support, may I help you ?
Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me ?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem ?
Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
Customer: Hi I just moved my PC from the floor to the top of my desk. Do I still turn it on the same way?
The funniest one that I had was when I was working for an Internet Technical Support Company a about 6 years ago... Computers were still new so Customer Patience was upmost priority and the customers were paying .50p per minute for technical help. A lady called in saying that she switched on her computer but that there was nothing on her screen. We went through all the obvious questions, is the monitor plugged in, is the plug socket switched on, etc... After about 10 minutes of technical trouble shooting, I asked her a question that was when was the last time the monitor worked? She replied this morning, I said what did you do from here, she replied that I put the monitor in the dishwasher as it was mucky....
User: The design of this mouse is terrible. How can anyone use such a device? After 15 minutes I found out the user was using the mouse upside down.
Operator #1: "Helpdesk, what seems to be the problem?"
User: "My monitor doesn't work properly. It keeps going blurry."
Operator: "Fuzzy?"
User: "Yes, when I have my glasses on it is fine but every time I take them off my screen goes blurry."
The Operator hands the call to Operator #2 because he is laughing too hard to respond and after a few minutes the user admitted that yes, it was a bit dense to call in, but she still asked for us to send a tech to check the screen.
True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
I've done tech support in the past, don't do it anymore but I was in a training session with some managerial folk and was blown away by this one:
The instructor was giving a demo and one of the managers asked if he was right clicking or left clicking. The instructor told him he was left clicking. The manager says that this is no good. He needs it to be right click only. The instructor didn't understand the problem. The manager proceeds to tell him that almost all of his staff are right handed and it will be a waste of time for them to reach over with their left hand to click the mouse button.
(Maybe Apple had it right all along).
A lady calls in very upset stating that we shipped her an incomplete system. She says that we only shipped her the monitor and the keyboard and that we still need to send her the "tower" and she wants to know when are we delivering the "tower". After a while struggling to get her account number and verifying her info, I realize she ordered a laptop. I tried to explain her that she ordered a laptop and that her order has been delivered completely according to the records. The lady starts to yell because she says her order is incomplete and yada yada yada. Then I convince her to look into her box for a smaller box called 'ac adapter' when she finally finds it I ask her to plug it in the back, the lady asks me where in the back, after telling her were to connect the adapter I ask her to take a look into her 'keyboard' for a button that says power and to press it. At this point I was really about to laugh but I contained. The lady pressed the button and guess what? It turned on. The lady was like, whoa! how did you do that?
I couldn't hold myself anymore, I muted the call and started laughing out loud.
Back in the days when a 20 mb hard drive was reasonable, I took a call from someone who had installed our program (WordStar; RIP) and wanted to complain because he now only had "18 M" left on his computer. "That's not enough to do anything! Why does Wordstar take up so much room?)"
Me: The M means Megabytes, not Kilobytes.
Him: ... thank you, goodbye.
We had one person call us about an error message on their screen, for which the proper fix (in those WinNT days) was to restart the box. Having been asked to do that, 10 seconds later the person said "the computer is back up now, but the message is still there." He just turned off his monitor...
A non-technical one, as I answer credit card calls occasionally: "I just want to make sure I'm not going to get this annual fee every month.".
Straight out of Dilbert, that one...
The best one I can remember is a fellow work mate went out to check a computer that was making a strange beeping noise. He came back and said he'd fixed the problem. He asked the client to move while he entered in the keyboard code that would stop the beeping. It worked and she thanked him. I was puzzled, "What keyboard code?" I asked.
He replied, "Well she was well endowed, I didn't want to tell her that she would have to take her breasts off the keyboard".
That really happened and that was good thinking.
The other day a user called in wanting to troubleshoot our software. After dialing into his computer, I realized that this fellow had been paying us thousands of dollars a year and has not even been using our software. Gheez :)
Tech: What does it say on the screen now?
Customer: It says "Dell"
Tech: No, on the glass part, not the plastic part
--------------------------------
Customer: My friggin pc keeps freezin up!
Tech: Let's try restarting it, sir.
(Customer reboots)
Tech: What's happening now?
Customer: Nuthin!
Tech: Are you hung?
Customer: Like a mule, what's that got to do with it?
----------------------------------
Customer: My PC wont start
Tech: Is it plugged in?
Customer: I can't tell. It's too dark to see behind my desk because the power went out in the building
One user called in and was hysterical because he had a report that was due in an hour. The problem he reported was that every time he typed the word "the," it disappeared and was replaced with "I like to take baths with young boys" as soon as he pressed the space bar. For anyone familiar with Word, the cause was immediately apparent and is instantly recognized as one of the greatest practical jokes ever played: someone had gone into AutoCorrect and set it up so that the word "the" was replaced with the phrase of choice.
The screen caputure prank:
Take a screen cap of the desktop, then set that as the background. Then remove all the icons. People will spend countless mintues trying to double click icons that arent really there
IT: IT-department, Niklas speaking.
person: Oh yes, hello, my name is X and I’m calling from home. I’m trying to reach my webmail but it’s not working.
IT: I see; exactly how is it not working - can you log into the service?
p: No, the password isn’t working.
After a bit of trouble-shooting, the person interrupts me.
person: Oh, sorry for interrupting you, but…should I use my current password to log in?
IT: Oh yes indeed, you should always use your current password.
person: Oh! I was using the old one! Shouldn’t I use that one instead?
IT: No, try using your current one. That’s the way, always use the current password, and just discard the old one.
person: Oh, thank you!
IT: No problem. Thank you for calling, good-bye.
person: Good-bye!
Also snark at more accountant jokes, computer nerd jokes, doctor jokes, economist jokes, engineer jokes, lawyer jokes, or military jokes.
