Chuck Norris Jokes Are The Best

The funny Chuck Norris jokes continue. Who needs television when you can add jokes to this wiki?


THESE CHUCK NORRIS JOKES ROCK!

Chuck Norris movies are real. This is why no actor in a Chuck Norris movie has ever won an Oscar.

The term "Reality T.V." was invented when people realized Chuck Norris movies were really Michael Moore Documentaries.

Edmund Hillary did not win a Nobel prize for climbing mount Everest on the morning of 29 May 1953. This is not because there is no Nobel prize for mountain climbing, it is because the highest point on earth in the morning is Chuck Norris's erect penis. It was Chuck Norris's girlfriend who won the Nobel prize.

Riddle: 300 Men walk into a bar. They find Chuck Norris drinking a beer, and all 3 of them say "Hi". Why?
Because the presence of Chuck Norris divides all men by 100.

In troubled times, it is said that Jesus saves. But that is only because Jesus knows Chuck Norris will save him.

Why did Chuck Norris cross the road? He didn't. All roads cross the path Chuck Norris is heading.

The idea for the helicopter began when Igor Sikorsky watched Chuck Norris roundhouse kick a legion of chimpanzees many times. It was when he himself was roundhouse kicked in the head that the idea finally kicked in.


chuck norris built the holspital he was born in

chuck norris lost his virginity before his mom

For every one of Chuck Norris's punches, a new universe is created where his fist lands.
The LHC shut down recently because smashing atoms was no longer in Chuck Norris's best interest.

Chuck Norris does his laundry on the Eighth day of the week
In the begining there was nothing... But chuck Norris
And on the Eighth day, Chuck Norris created God
one man said to another 'You hear bout those WMDs in Iraq?' the second man looked blank then said 'But Chuck Norris lives in America.'
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.

Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds

When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Chuck Norris responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"

Chuck Norris' evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Chuck with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly, well kept hair, Chuck Norris became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk.

Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time.

The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.

Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opporunity saying “there isn’t enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member”. He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.

Helen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.

When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.

On June 7th 1994, Chuck Norris entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Chuck to ravish her. After Chuck finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck's magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy's womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, "Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split open by the Chuck!?" All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. "I didn't ******* think so!" shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck's balls. Chuck pulled out; roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, "Don't ever waste my time again."

Chuck Norris can piss into gale force winds.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living **** out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight.
He then drank three kegs and shat on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris killed a dog because he said it looked at him funny. (PS. the dog was a pug).

If you love you're girlfriend she loves Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was the reason diapers were invented. (if you know what I mean)!

Chuck Norris lives in a pineapple.

Chuck Norris eats babies for breakfast.

chuck norris ate the pope the next day he craped out saiten

Chuck Norris doesent run from tornados tornadoes run from him.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure

When chuck norris jumps into a pool, he doesn't get wet, the water gets chuck norrised.

Chuck Norris once shot down a german fighter pilot by pointing his finger at it and saying "bang."

The titanic wasn't really sunk by an iceburg. Chuck norris was just practicing underwater roundhouse kicks. The reason why there were survivors? He was only warming up.

Chuck created everything and everyone. Life started with nothing but giant lizards called dinosaurs. Chuck got pissed at their stupidity and although they say a meteor killed them Chuck Norris just roundhouse kicked the Earth so hard that the shock wave killed them. This is also how Pangaea split into the continents. Then chuck went into hiding and did not surface again until Greek was formed. Alclema then was chosen by Chuck to give birth to him again. Alclema (although not stated in Greek mythology) acutely had 3 kids. One was Chuck, one tried to leave the womb first and got killed by chuck, and the last one was chuck's younger, weaker, brother Hercules. Chuck, 16 years after being born again, chucked Hercules into the sky and Hercules was never seen again. The reason Chuck did this was because Hercules said that he was manlier than Chuck. Chuck then left the earth and went to hell for 2 reasons, one because people didn’t respect him enough and chuck was graceful enough to spare everyone and two, to punch Hades in the face. Hades then, shamed with 2 horn like lumps on his head, legally changed his name to Satan. Chuck did not bring himself into the world again until about 3 B.C. then inserted himself into a virgin. Although Chuck could speak when born they let his parents name him anyway. They called him Jesus. The things they said Jesus did were actually his minor less violent achievements. No one can name them all but he did in fact build the Pyramids when he was 3. The reason his disciples did not write the more violent stuff down is because they wanted the Bible to be believable. Chuck did die on the cross and resurrected himself later. The reason he did this was to show the Jews and Greeks that he is invincible. He then killed everyone at his crucifixion. Around the time when Chuck left he had many different forms, each one to spread the knowledge of himself. Those people were known as the following; King Midas, Noah, Kansas Cuan, and King Tut. Which leads us to present day awsome.


Chuck Norris did a corkscrew into the Gulf of Mexico and Created Hurricane Katrina.

Chuck Norris doesn't move when he walks, the universe just moves around him.

If Jesus can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim on land.

Chuck Norris won The Game.

Sometimes Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks too hard. This phenominon is called a tornado.

There is no death, there is just Chuck Norris.

Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience.

M.C. Hammer found out the hard way the Chuck Norris can touch this.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, thats how many seconds you have left to live.