L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there's a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson -- and when he shows up, they tell him there'll be a ten-minute wait.

I was raised half Jewish and half Catholic. When I'd go to confession, I'd say "Bless me, father, for I have sinned -- and you know my attorney, Mr.Cohen."

They added up all the people in this country who consider themselves a minority and it added up to more than the population of the country.

Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?

The assassin of Dr. Martin Luther King, James Earl Ray, is dead. And what a practical joke on him when he finds out that hell is integrated.

We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, "You know what? Let's just grab lunch."

I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he’s great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, "You can’t fire me. I quit."

Psychiatrists are no help. What do they tell you? "Well, we'll have to get back into your childhood to find the trauma." Who can't find the trauma in childhood? I'm two feet tall. I don't know what the f**k is going on. Everybody can beat me up. Gee, doc, you're a genius to find trauma there.

I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need.
They’re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that’s used by ten or more people in a week,
which, I guess, means that Madonna can’t even smoke in bed.