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Best Sarah Palin Jokes

To top it all off for the week, apparently Sarah Palin accessorized her wardrobe with some ignorance this week. She was asked a question by a third-grader, and she got it wrong. She apparently still does not know what the vice president does. The job she is running for. She said he or she runs the Senate. No, not in this country. You know, George Bush, I would never accuse him of being a bright man, but when he was elected, he at least knew what building to show up to. (Maher)

The legislative panel in Alaska investing Troopergate released their report that says Sarah Palin illegally abused her power as governor by firing the state police chief because he wouldn't fire her sister's ex-husband. But they said she didn't actually break the law so she won't go to prison. Which is a pity because it would have been the first time she was ever involved in a complete sentence. (Maher)

Are you kidding me, the mayor of Wasilla, Alaska? Yeah, that's who you want in the White House during a time of crisis. When she got a phone call at 3 in the morning, it was because a moose had gotten in the garbage can. (Maher)

Now, speaking of Sarah Palin, all this stuff's coming out in the news today. Sources from the McCain campaign are starting to talk. And they said today, this was in the news, that when they were prepping Sarah Palin for the debates, they found out that she thought Africa was a country, not a continent. Now, to be fair to Sarah Palin, it is hard to see Africa from Alaska. (O'Brien)

But McCain showed up without his running mate, Sarah Palin, which is a shame because she has a lot of experience with banking and financial matters. You know, she lives right next to a bank.(Kimmel)

How many of you folks saw that last night, the Vice President, Republican Sarah Palin? Whoa, man, I like that Sarah Palin – looks like the weekend anchor on Channel 9…She looks like the hygienist who makes you feel guilty about not flossing…She looks like the relieved mom in a Tide commercial. (Letterman)

Sarah Palin, John McCain's running mate, over the weekend she went to Philadelphia and dropped the first puck for the beginning of the NHL season. And I thought well, I bet she probably needed a break, had to get away from reading every newspaper and magazine. Because you don't even know how much time that takes. (Letterman)

Here's the amazing part: back in 1984, Sarah Palin actually came second in the Miss Alaska beauty pageant. Now she could be vice president. You know what that means? For the first time in history, a beauty pageant contestant might actually bring about world peace. They've talked about it for years; here's one that could do it! (Leno)

In describing her beautiful Alaskan home, Sarah Palin says that when she stands on her porch, she can see the moon. So you know what that means: she's now qualified to be an astronaut. (Leno)

Best Economy Jokes

The economy is in big trouble, but the Bush administration is now running it. So finally some good news. (Letterman)

Here's another sign the economy is in bad shape: earlier today, Vice President Cheney took his stockbroker hunting. (Letterman)

And I love this idea. Congress wants to promote a car czar to oversee the auto industry. You know, even if he's half as successful as Bill Bennett was as the drug czar, oh, our problems will be solved. A car czar. What democracy has a czar? Why is it every time we have a government crisis, we reverse to feudalism? We need a mortgage duke. A duke of mortgages. We need an energy ayatollah in this country. (Leno)

Before we begin, I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any e-mails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it. (Leno)

President Bush announced today that he will be working with Congress to use hundreds of billions of taxpayer dollars to restore confidence in the market. Actually, that was Bush's second choice to fix the problem. First choice? Invade Wall Street. (Leno)

Experts say we're going through what's known as a lock, stock and barrel financial phase. You know what that is, and how that works? People are locked out of their homes, their stocks are worthless, and the oil companies have us over a barrel. That's how it works. (Leno)

Critics of the bailout plan say it will save Wall Street, while it will do virtually nothing to help out Main Street. And, as always, you're on your own, Martin Luther King Boulevard! (Poehler)

One day after the worst day in the history of the stock market, the Dow surged almost 500 points, with one of the largest single day gains ever. But don't get too comfortable. The Dow is a little bit like Britney Spears, in a way. Yes, it made a nice comeback today, but at any moment, it could chug a Red Bull and shave its head and punch a photographer and we'll be right back where we started. (Kimmel)

Bush's big line was today: 'We are a prosperous nation with immense resources and a wide range of tools to deal with this problem. And he's right: he's a tool, Bernanke's a tool, Paulsen's a tool, Alan Greenspan, a huge tool. (Maher)

Is the sky really falling, or are they just trying to convince us? You know, Bush went on TV -- he's always a guy who inspires confidence -- Wednesday night, and he said, quote, 'America could slip into a financial panic. The economy is in great danger.' And he held a flashlight under his chin. (Maher)

The three big domestic automakers are now saying they are working jointly on a new hybrid car. It runs on a combination of state and federal bailout money. (Leno)

Best Election Jokes

You know, it's amazing, Barack Obama won in Florida and still became president. That never happens. In fact, today, Democrats are asking for a recount. They can't believe they won. (Leno)

It was on this in day in 1789 that Benjamin Franklin said those famous words, 'In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes. Death and taxes, which ironically, was the Secret Service code name for John McCain and Barack Obama. (Leno)

And of course the big mantra was 'Yes, we can!' Unless you're a gay couple in California, then it's, 'No, you can't.' (Leno)

There is some good news for John McCain. According to the latest polls, which came out today, John McCain has started to open up a lead over Barack Obama. This is true. Yeah. The USA Today poll has McCain ahead by ten points. The 'CBS News' poll has the two tied. And the MSNBC poll says that Obama won the election last week. (O'Brien)

But right about now Joe the plumber is meeting with his transition team. They're going to help ease him from obscurity back to oblivion. (Letterman)

Are you excited and tired of the campaign? Excited and tired? One week to go. One week from today is the election. ... We have the elections next week, and then the winner of that election meets Hillary in the finals. (Letterman)

Here's how it works. Election is Tuesday. And then Wednesday is the first day of Sarah Palin's 2012 campaign. (Letterman)

Best Barack Obama Jokes

President Bush briefed President-elect Obama on the state of the nation this week. You know, look, I don't want to say things look bad, but Barack Obama's new slogan? 'Maybe We Can.' (Leno)

Barack Obama continues to lead in the polls. Barack said, today, if it wasn't for Fox News, he might be up two or three more points in the polls. So apparently, five of the six news channel openly rooting for him isn't enough. You gotta get that last one. (Leno)

Barack Obama said today the government's $700 billion bailout should not be a blank check. Barack Obama says he knows that $700 billion is a lot of money. In fact, it would take him at least 10 Hollywood fund raisers to come up with that kind of money. (Leno)

Everybody looks forward to 'Time' magazine naming their 'person of the year.' And today, they named Barack Obama person of the year. That's right. Finally, things are starting to go his way. (Letterman)

A town in Upstate New York is being accused of being biased 'cause they sent out absentee ballots that say 'Barack Osama.' Today they apologized and printed new ballots that say 'Barack Hussein Osama.' (Letterman)

Some political analysts are saying the 1980s sitcom The Cosby Show helped Obama get elected because it portrayed a black family in a positive light. They also say Obama would have been elected 10 years ago if it weren't for Flavor Flav. (O'Brien)

Hundreds of thousands of people turned out for Obama’s victory rally in Chicago. But there was an awkward moment when Obama put on a hat that said “proud to be Muslim” and screamed, 'Suckas!' (O'Brien)

After a quick meet-and-greet with King Abdullah, Obama was off to Israel, where he made a quick stop at the manger in Bethlehem where he was born. (Stewart)

It was kind of surprising; they really love Obama in Germany. He's like a rock star over there. It's impressive until you realize that David Hasselhoff is also like a rock star over there. (Kimmel)

Americans have finally got beyond our racial past, and picked a black man to clean up our mess. (Maher)

Best George W. Bush Jokes

Hey if you think about it, President Bush is at least partially responsible for us having our first black president, so never let it be said he didn't accomplish anything. Maybe George Bush doesn't hate black people after all. (Kimmel)

This week out on the campaign trail, John McCain called Barack Obama a socialist, and President Bush defended Barack Obama. But see, again, I don't think President Bush really understands. Like, he told McCain, he said, 'When you're president, you get a lot of visitors to the White House. You have to be a good socialist. It's good manners.' (Leno)

Well, you see, with all of the excitement of the election, it's easy to forget about President President Bush, because next year, he'll be unemployed and he'll be at that awkward age -- too young to retire, yet too old to decimate another nation's economy. (Leno)

President Bush gave a speech today about the economy. And he said he believes, this is his quote. He said, 'Anyone who makes bad decisions should fail.' That's what he said, yeah. Yeah, then Bush looked around the room and said, 'Hey, why did it get so quiet in here?' (O'Brien)

Now today, I don't want to alarm you, when the stock market closed, it was down 777 points, which is the biggest point drop in American history. As a result, President Bush was able to cross off the tenth and final item on his administrations bucket list. (O'Brien)

Best Disgraced Politician Jokes

Illinois Governor Rod Bla-son-of-a-bitch, is that how you say his name? Is it Bla-son-of-a-bitch? I think I'm saying that right. He was arrested for conspiring to sell the Senate seat vacated by Barack Obama. ... Let me tell you something. You know, you don't buy a Senate seat in this country. You take up donations. You go out. You lie to the American people. You make promises you are never going to keep. That's how you get to be a United States Senator. (Leno)

But you know what he was doing? Because Barack Obama is the President-elect who used to be one of the senators from Illinois, Blagojevich has got to appoint a senator. So he was calling up people, saying, 'Would you like to be a senator. Well, what's it worth to you?' Well, I just hope to God this doesn't tarnish the fine reputation of Illinois politics. (Letterman)

It's true, John McCain’s running mate, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, has revealed that her 17-year-old daughter is pregnant. Palin said, 'We should never have introduced her to John Edwards.'(Conan)

Alaska Senator Ted Stevens has been convicted on seven counts of fraud, corruption. And Republicans are relieved, because at least it didn't involve an airport men's room. (Letterman)

Speaking of Alaskans who won't go away, you know who Ted Stevens is, right? He's the 84-year-old convicted felon and senator from Alaska who, even though he's a convicted felon, was running for office and basically tied the other guy. It looked like he was ahead, they're still contesting it. Now they say he's behind in the vote count. Whether he wins or not, he's going to prison. It's just way better to have your cellmate introduce you as 'my distinguished colleague,' as opposed to 'my bitch.' (Maher)


Alaska's Senator Ted Stevens has been found guilty on all seven felony counts of accepting over $250,000 worth of gifts and services from a contractor. But he says he will not step down and he will win re-election. Don’t you love how these guys have no shame? In fact, have you heard his new slogan, 'Vote for Stevens, a man of convictions.' (Leno)

Voters in Louisiana on Saturday kicked out of office Democratic Senator William Jefferson. You remember this guy? Remember the guy who was indicted last year for having $90,000 in bribe money, in cash, in his freezer? Well, the voters kicked him out of office. How ironic is that? The only politician in Washington who actually saved some money. He had money left. Make him treasury secretary. Put all our money in the freezer! (Leno)

And Charles Rangel, chairman of the Ways and Means committee -- this is the guy that writes the tax codes -- has been found to be in default on his taxes on income, on a beach villa he owns in the Caribbean. Rangel blames it on his accountant, and he said he didn't understand the law. Didn't understand it? He wrote it! Huh? If he don't understand it, how screwed are we? (Leno)

Eliot Spitzer's call girl, remember her? She's being interviewed on '20/20' this Friday. And she told '20/20,' no matter how long the interview lasts, even if the interview's only 15 minutes, they still have to pay for the whole hour.