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Aug 5 2008, 6:45 PM EDT The-Joker 714 words added
Aug 5 2008, 6:30 PM EDT The-Joker 37 words added, 1 photo added

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Nation, I am still furious that Alaska Republican Senator Ted Stevens was indicted yesterday on charges that he improperly received gifts from oil field giant Veco. It was not improper. Senator Stevens received those gifts very properly. He even sent them a thank you note. "Thanks for doing over $250,000 worth of renovations to my house and not charging me for it. Sincerely, Senator Ted Stevens." The guy was raised right. Is that suddenly a crime?

Nation, I've got great news: I am furious. Today Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was unfairly indicted by the Justice Department, just because the oilfield company VECO didn't charge him for an extensive renovation on his house, including a brand new first floor, a fully finished basement, a wrap-around deck, and, one assumes, installing the latest internet tubes. The Justice Department is calling this a conflict of interest. Please. VECO is a major oil drilling company, and Senator Stevens worked tirelessly to allow drilling in ANWR. That's not a conflict of interest; their interests line up perfectly. This is a non-story folks, and I look forward to Stevens being proven innocent when President Bush commutes his sentence.

Of course, Ted Stevens isn't the only Republican struggling right now, so is John McCain. I frankly don't get it, the man's got a bold vision for America. Just yesterday, he issued this challenge to us as a nation: [video of McCain urging Americans to use sunscreen]. That is a follow-up to his recent "Wear Clean Underwear" initiative. Of course, if you don't have any sunscreen, you can do what McCain does and wear Joe Lieberman.

I'm not the only one who noticed the press bias against John McCain. So has John McCain. Last week, his campaign sent an e-mail to reporters saying, "It's pretty obvious that the media has a bizarre fascination with Barack Obama. Some may even say it's a love affair." This has got to be hard on McCain. It is tough seeing your old flame with someone new. John McCain and the media had a very hot fling back in the summer of 2000. They even had cute little nicknames for each other. The press called McCain "Maverick," and McCain called the press any time he wanted favorable coverage.

Nation, the big story is still Barack Obama's world tour. I got to give him credit. Once again today, he made history by being the first man to travel around the world in a plane propelled only by the power of the media's flash photography. But I got to say, there are some cracks starting to show in Obama's overseas juggernaut. Take a look at what he said yesterday in the Israeli town of Sderot [on screen: Obama claiming to be a member of the Senate Banking Committee]. Pretty impressive. Only problem, Obama isn't on the Banking Committee. He tells everyone that, but in fact, he is the Banking Committee equipment manager. Senator, if are you going to lie about being on a committee, at least choose a cool one. Like the Senate Committee on Lion Fighting. Or the Jet Pack Caucus.

But while Obama was speaking to 100,000 adoring fans in Germany, McCain made his own impressive German appearance [on screen: McCain with Senator Lindsey Graham after a meal at Schmidt's Sausage Haus]. Unfortunately, not many supporters showed up, possibly due to his advertising flyers: 'Come to John McCain's Sausage Party.' Senator, excellent job matching Obama step for step, but he has been to a lot of countries, so if you just cover your bases, you might want to hit an IHOP.

Nation, lately, all the economic news has been bad. First, the government had to prop up Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. It is our own fault for naming our lending institutions after the starts of 'Hee Haw.' Then there was Indymac, the third-largest bank failure in U.S. history. Without Indymac, where will indie bands put all the money they're not making? Folks, it's getting so these days I'm keeping all my assets under my mattress, which is fitting, because I'm heavily invested in old Playboys. Most disturbing of all, last week, the dollar hit another record low against the Euro. The Euro is now worth $1.57. To put that into perspective, that's more than a dollar