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Jay LenoBarack Obama jokes by David Letterman | Barack Obama jokes by Conan O'Brien
Barack Obama jokes by Jon Stewart | Barack Obama jokes by Jimmy Kimmel
Barack Obama jokes by Stephen Colbert | More Barack Obama jokes
More jokes by Jay Leno

Anyway, a spokesman for Barack Obama says the prisoners that are released from Guantanamo will either be sent back to their home countries or enter the New York City cab driver training program.

President-elect Barack Obama is starting to get an idea of just how hard his new job is going to be. Today, he said he wanted to bring a sense of accountability to Washington. I think they realized actual accountability, never going to happen.

Did you know Barack Obama's mother-in-law is going to be moving into the White House with them? I think this qualifies as change Barack Obama does not believe in. Now, let me ask you, when Barack Obama's mother-in-law moves into the White House, do you think she's going to be like all mother-in-laws? Like, when Barack Obama is upstairs asleep at the White House, do you think she'll be down in the kitchen with Michelle, going, 'You know, you could have done better.' Activists are now pressuring President-elect Obama to make good on his pledge to end the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy in the military to allow gays to openly serve in the military. You know, I think it's about time. Don't you? Let me tell you something, if someone is willing to risk their life for our country, they should be able to watch 'Dancing with the Stars' openly.

Well, President-elect Barack Obama and his family are gonna spend the holidays in his home state of Hawaii. And you know who couldn't be more thrilled with this? The press, the reporters who follow the president. Well, think about it. After eight years of spending every holiday cutting brush in Crawford, Texas, they get to go to Hawaii!

And earlier today, President-elect Obama and Vice President-elect Biden met with Al Gore in Chicago to discuss energy and climate change issues. Obama, Gore and Biden. So, you have the greatest speaker of our lifetime, the most boring speaker of our lifetime and the guy who speaks non-stop for our entire lifetime. All together in one room.

Barack Obama says he is promising not to smoke cigarettes while in the White House. I don't know. Is that a big issue for the American people? [a woman in the audience yells 'Yes!']. Really? You care if he smokes? Let me tell you something, okay? If he fixes the economy, he can smoke a bong in the White House.

President-elect Barack Obama was on 'Meet the Press' yesterday. And he told the American people the economy was going to get worse before it gets better. That's what he said. It's going to get worse. See, that's when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election, 'The audacity of hope!' 'Yes, we can!' 'Change we can believe in!' Now it's, 'We're all screwed, good night, thank you! It's going to get worse!'

Hey, did you see that picture on the front page of USA Today yesterday of Arnold Schwarzenegger shaking hands with Barack Obama? Didn't it look like one of those ads for one of those bad buddy action movies from the '80s, you know? [as Schwarzenegger] He's a strongman from Austria. He's an African-American from Chicago. They fight crime; they're ebony and ivory.

Well you know what's really strange? If [Arizona Governor Janet Napolitano] gets this job, she would be the first official to take the job overseeing homeland security working for a guy, if he wasn't president, whose name would probably be on the no-fly list. 'Barack Hussein Obama? Yeah, step off to the side, please. Thank you.'

Is it me, or is Barack Obama on the cover of, like, every magazine now? I went to the newsstand. Joey, hand me that, will you? ... Here's Barack: cover of Time, Men's Health, GQ, Tiger Beat, 'Is he the fourth Jonas Brother?'

The press is calling President-elect Barack Obama the first wired president, 'cause he's very big on e-mail and the internet and all that kind of stuff. But once he becomes president, he'll have to give up all personal communication devices because of security concerns. Looks like America is ready for a black president, we're just not ready for a Blackberry president.

Hey, Barack Obama had to give up his Blackberry. He's the first wired president. ... He might have to give his Blackberry because of security reasons. Because they're easy to hack into. In fact, when Obama heard he might have to give it up, he said, 'OMG! WTF?' I mean, he couldn't believe it.

Barack Obama's mother-in-law might be moving into the White House with him. See, Joe Biden was right. 'Hostile forces will test him in the first few months.'

Today in Chicago, for the first time since the election, John McCain sat down with President-elect Barack Obama. Pretty impressive. Obama agreed to sit down and talk to McCain without any preconditions.

According to Newsweek, sociologists believe that nine months after election day, there could be tens of thousands of what they call 'Obama babies.' Psychologists say this is not unusual, because a lot of people celebrate a big victory by having sex. That's true. See, that's why there's never been any Detroit Lions babies.

According to CNN, Barack Obama's popularity going into office is higher than Clinton's, Reagan's or either of the President Bush's when they entered office. It's much higher. Well, hang on, hang on. That's on CNN. On Fox, he's somewhere between Attila the Hun and lead poisoning.

President Bush briefed President-elect Obama on the state of the nation this week. You know, look, I don't want to say things look bad, but Barack Obama's new slogan? 'Maybe We Can.'

President-elect Barack Obama is still looking for a new White House dog. The search is on. In fact, do you realize he has spent more time selecting a dog than John McCain did selecting a running mate?

It was on this in day in 1789 that Benjamin Franklin said those famous words, 'In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes. Death and taxes, which ironically, was the Secret Service code name for John McCain and Barack Obama.
And according to CNN, Barack Obama's mother-in-law might be moving into the White House with them. Although, he may be able to get out of it under the domestic terrorist law.
President Bush briefed Barack Obama on the state of the nation this week. I don't know that things look bad, but after the briefing, Obama called McCain and said, 'You still want the job?'

This was actually in the paper today, that both parties are already preparing for 2012. Isn't that unbelievable? But I was thinking, it's going to be tough for Barack Obama to come up with a campaign slogan for 2012. I mean, what's it gonna be? 'Don't change, everything's fine, don't change anything, keep it exactly the same!'

In the latest issue of Sports Illustrated, Barack Obama says if he is fortunate to win the White House, he would like to install a basketball court. That's what he said. It's going to be built right on top of what is now the bowling alley.

Actually, Barack Obama's wasting no time. He has chosen Illinois Congressman Rahm Emanuel as his chief of staff. Rahm Emanuel. Apparently Barack's first order of business, no guys with regular names. Okay, that's it! No Larrys, no Bobs! Just Barack and Rahm.

Don't you love how the different news outlets put their own slant on it? Like see how Fox News is covering Barack Obama's first 24 hours? They said, 'Day One: American Held Hostage!'

Barack Obama spent his first day as president-elect putting together his transition team. And if you believe MSNBC, by tomorrow he will have chosen all 12 of his disciples.

Hey, did you see Barack Obama on the news? He took time out to take his kids trick-or-treating, that was nice. But he'll only let them take candy from households making over $200,000 a year.

Hey, I watched 'American Idol' last night, the Barack Obama show. Did you all see Barack Obama’s infomercial? It was called “American Stories.” You know why they called it “American Stories”? I guess it sounded better than 'Barack Obama Running Out the Clock.'

The show was very well done. I got to admit, I especially liked the end, where Barack rose to the heavens on a cloud. Wasn’t that unbelievable?

Here's the amazing part, this is true, it was the highest-rated show on NBC last night. NBC's already talking to Barack about picking it up for 13 more episodes.

This is exciting. Earlier this evening, Barack Obama's 30-minute infomercial appeared on three of the major networks. Fox, CBS and NBC. And, of course, NBC was thrilled to be considered a major network. We haven't had that in years!

Now, if you didn't see it, one part was a little odd. At the end, Barack said, 'If you vote now, we'll throw in a set of steak knives and a can of Oxiclean.'

And of course, this Barack Obama appearance was historic for our network. Did you know this? This is the first time a black man has appeared on NBC in prime time since Bill Cosby.

Barack Obama continues to lead in the polls. Barack said, today, if it wasn't for Fox News, he might be up two or three more points in the polls. So apparently, five of the six news channel openly rooting for him isn't enough. You gotta get that last one.

Barack Obama also says that both men and women should have to register for the draft. What do you think of that? The first woman he wants signed up? Sarah Palin.

Barack Obama has bought a half-hour of airtime on CBS. He's now negotiating with NBC, but they have some disagreement. See, Barack just wants to buy a half-hour, but NBC wants him to buy the entire prime-time schedule for the entire rest of the year.

Barack Obama said today the government's $700 billion bailout should not be a blank check. Barack Obama says he knows that $700 billion is a lot of money. In fact, it would take him at least 10 Hollywood fund raisers to come up with that kind of money.

And the first presidential debate will take place this Friday night. They say John McCain's challenge will be to distance himself from President Bush. And Barack Obama's challenge will be to answer questions before his supporters can start clapping. So it's going to be very tricky.

At a rally in Florida, Barack Obama was interrupted by a protest group calling themselves 'Blacks Against Obama.' Actually, a pretty small group. It's just Condoleezza Rice and Jesse Jackson.

And at a rally in Florida today, Barack Obama was interrupted by protesters called Blacks Against Obama. They all drove there together in the same car, a Mini Cooper, if I'm not mistaken.

Barack Obama continues to criticize John McCain's economic plan. McCain would like to criticize Obama's plan, but nobody knows what it is yet. So we're still waiting.

Barack Obama said today, again, he wants to raise taxes on the rich. That's provided if, by November, anyone is still rich.

I had a great dinner last night. Put on a Barbra Streisand CD, ordered Domino's, saved $28,488. Last night, Barack Obama hosted a dinner with Barbra Streisand singing. It was $28,500 a plate. $28,500 a plate! But, to be fair, that did include an all-you-can-eat salad buffet. That was included. I guess the food was pretty exotic. The main course was roasted pig in a lipstick glaze.

And another day, another federal bailout. This is unbelievable to me. The Federal Reserve has just loaned the AIG Insurance Company $85 billion to keep it afloat. $85 billion. That is almost as much money as Barack Obama raised last night in Beverly Hills.

Earlier this evening, Barack Obama was in Hollywood at a big fundraiser, a sold-out fundraiser featuring Barbra Streisand singing. $28,500 a ticket. Barbra Streisand was singing. All the big Hollywood stars were there. It featured dinner prepared by the finest Hollywood chefs serving an array of gourmet food. I believe the topic tonight was how John McCain is out of touch with the common people.

Well, I guess it's getting serious, because Barack Obama's going to have lunch with Bill Clinton this week to discuss Democratic strategy. They're going to get together and talk. You know, they haven't been that friendly up to this point. Of course, it's tough agreeing on a restaurant, because the two men are both so different. Finally, they settled on a 'Hooters' that serves arugula.

According to the New York Times, Barack Obama's campaign is having a hard time meeting their fundraising goals. And they're pressing their donors for more money. They want more money. In fact, Obama said today, he's willing to take change. He will now accept change.
Boy George has released a new song that is inspired by Barack Obama. It's called 'Yes We Can,' by Boy George. If that doesn't put Obama over the top with the Joe Six-pack crowd, nothing will, huh?"

What a week this has been. If you watched last night, I guess you know, Barack Obama got beat up by a girl.

Did you see that Mount Olympus-style backdrop they had for Barack’s speech, with the big columns on it? Little over the top, do you think, huh? Like, when they introduced him as 'Barack, son of Zeus,' that seemed over the top.

And Barack Obama will give his big speech tomorrow night at Invesco Field, a football stadium, which is appropriate, considering how many times Democrats have fumbled in the past few years.

In fact, while Michelle Obama gave her historic speech, Barack Obama watched the whole thing from a family's living room in Missouri. He was in Missouri. I mean, I know it's tough getting a hotel room in Denver right now, but come on.

You know, you could see Obama was trying a little too hard to connect with young voters with the text message. I still have it on my phone. [on-screen: cell phone face and text: OMG! Me and Biden are BFFs TTFN ;^)].

You know, they said on the news earlier tonight that this political campaign has only 100 days left. Only! Anybody complaining that this thing was dragging out? Oh, not quick enough?Only 100 days left. Oh, God! 100 Days. I don't know what's less likely, Barack Obama getting enough experience in 100 days, or John McCain living another 100 days.

Today in Berlin, Barack Obama spoke to a crowd of over 200,000 people. In fact, he was so eager to please the Germans, he promised he'd name David Hasselhoff as vice president.

Barack Obama's two daughters are very excited, because I guess Barack Obama promised the kids that after the election he's going to get them a dog. That's the thing, they're all excited, he's going to get them a dog after the election. And the good news: Jesse Jackson has offered to neuter it, so I think that's terrific.

The other day the plane that Barack Obama was on had some mechanical difficulties and was forced to land. Well, the National Transportation Safety Board did an inspection on the plane, and you know what they found? The bolts on the plane were fine, but apparently Jesse Jackson had taken some of the nuts off.

Barack Obama is back from his big European tour. Did you see him in Europe? People were cheering him, holding up signs, blowing him kisses. And that was just the American media covering the story.

I'm sure you know by now, Jesse Jackson was overheard saying, and I'll put this more delicately, that he wanted to cut Barack Obama's testicles off. And Jesse has been on several news programs the last couple of days, explaining what he meant by those comments. Do you need to explain that?

Insiders claim that even though Jesse Jackson supports Barack Obama publicly for president, privately he doesn't like him. You know, it's kind of like Bill with Hillary.

Today Jesse tried to reach out to Obama, and Obama said, 'Keep your hands where I can see them!'

Jesse Jackson also said he thought Barack Obama was talking down to black people by lecturing on things like fatherhood and being a responsible husband. Jesse thought it was insulting, not only to him, but to his former mistress and their lovechild.

Barack Obama is now denying that he is email pals with the beautiful actress, Scarlett Johansson. Remember that story? They were saying that Scarlett Johansson and Barack Obama were emailing each other. He says no, it's not true. In fact his exact words were "I did not have textual relations with that woman."

Well, the Democrats are now preparing for their convention in Denver, and they have hired the first ever Director of Greening. They say that this year that everything about their convention will be green, including nominating a candidate who's only been a senator for a couple of years.

Hey, have you heard this story that Barack Obama and Scarlett Johansson are apparently e-mail buddies? Scarlett Johansson is quoted as saying, "My heart belongs to Barack Obama." How about that, huh? Barack's not even president yet, still doing waaay better than Bill Clinton ever did.

It was quite a weekend, politically. Yesterday, an estimated 75,000 people attended a Barack Obama rally on the banks of the the Willamette River. And if you believe the media, listen to this. After the rally, Barack Obama fed them all with just five loaves of bread and two fish. Amazing!

Barack Obama is suffering from a bad headache today. His former pastor, Reverend Wright, is back out there. Reverend Wright gave an interview earlier tonight on PBS with Bill Moyers, and he said he's gotten over a million emails and phone calls telling him to keep on speaking out, and every one of them came from Hillary Clinton. It was amazing.

The State Department announced today the most dangerous place in the world is no longer the Mideast, it is now between Reverend Jeremiah Wright and a microphone.

Barack's former pastor, Jeremiah Wright, the guy is everywhere. He's making speeches. He's on the radio. And Reverend Wright says he'd rather just go home and retire, but the money Hillary is paying him is so good.

Of course, the Republicans will not let this Reverend Wright controversy die. You know, they're trying to keep it in the news. Like, today they said for the wedding of President Bush's daughter, he's gonna be the minister.

Yesterday, President Bush announced there are going to be some big changes in intelligence in the White House. Yeah, he's leaving.

It's getting ugly out there on the campaign trail. The John McCain campaign has accused Barack Obama of playing the race card, and the Obama campaign has accused McCain of playing the pinochle card, so I don't know what's going to happen here.

Well listen, Barack Obama accused Republicans of trying to make others fear him, because, and I quote, he "doesn't look like the other presidents on the dollar bill." So the choice is, do you want to elect a guy who doesn't look like the president on the dollar bill, or do you want to elect a guy who looks older than the president on the dollar bill?

Well, you know what's interesting, it's been mentioned that Barack Obama may still pick a woman for VP, but not Hillary Clinton. Yeah. Well today, a top Hillary Clinton supporter named Lanny Davis said it was "inconceivable" that Obama would pick another woman over Hillary, to which Bill said, "it's not that inconceivable."

Yeah that's the big talk, they say Barack Obama could decide to go with another woman. See that's what killed John Edwards' chances of being VP, he decided to go with another woman.

And Barack Obama told Tom Brokaw the other day on Meet the Press that what he's looking for in a VP is a person who will tell him when they thought he was wrong, to which President Bush said, "Trust me, that gets old really fast."

And I guess the McCain campaign has a new theme song, it's by Ludacris. Did you hear this? Well, I guess the new song by rapper Ludacris is causing some controversy for Barack Obama, everybody's trying to help and it doesn't help, because it attacks Hillary and Bush and John McCain in a very distasteful way. Yeah. In fact when John McCain heard that Obama had Ludacris on his iPod, he was stunned, he said "What's an iPod?"

And as you know, the McCain campaign is running that commercial where they're comparing Barack Obama to various Hollywood celebrities. And as you know, if there's one thing the Republicans will not stand for, it's electing some Hollywood celebrity to public office. Except for Ronald Reagan, Fred Thompson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Clint Eastwood -- you know, except for those.

Have you seen the new commercial? The McCain campaign compares Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. And today the Obama campaign released an ad comparing John McCain to Zsa Zsa Gabor and Bea Arthur.

McCain is not backing down. He's defending the commercial, where he compared Barack Obama to Paris Hilton, as being "all talk and little action." That's what he said. Like Paris, Barack Obama is all talk and little action. Really? Has he seen her sex video? There is no talk. It is all action.

Barack Obama told Tom Brokaw, the other day, what he's looking for in a vice president is someone who would tell him when he’s wrong. Wouldn't Hillary be the best candidate? She's been telling him he's been dead wrong since the beginning on this.

The latest politic gossip is that Hillary Clinton is not particularly high on Barack Obama's vice presidential list. In fact, turns out she's somewhere between the Reverend Wright and Jesse Jackson.

Well, actually, insiders say Hillary was never on Obama's VP list. Obama felt it would have been too much to put her on the ticket. Bad enough to worry about Jesse cutting them off, didn't want to worry about Hillary breaking them, too. You know what I'm saying?