It looks like Barack Obama wants the surgeon general to be Sanjay Gupta, the TV doctor. Are you familiar with Sanjay? I went to see him a couple of years ago because I had an inflamed gupta.

But Sanjay Gupta says if he becomes the surgeon general the first thing he wants to do is warn people about one thing — the Regis Philbin show in high def. He said it could cause nausea and headaches.

Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a lot of cabinet positions. And today he announced that he wants the surgeon general to be TV Dr. Sanjay Gupta. That was the kid on 'American Idol,' wasn't it?

But surgeon general, that's a tough position, and it was hard for Obama to make the choice. It was between Gupta, Dr. Phil and a guy on 'Scrubs.'

The Secret Service has unveiled a new state-of-the-art limousine for Barack Obama. A million dollars for this state-art-limousine. Meanwhile, today, John McCain closed a deal on a used LeSabre. But the limousine is massive. It's a three ton, it's a tank-like vehicle, or, as GM calls it, it's a compact.

But here's good news for Obama. The new tank-like limousine is shoe proof, so that's good news.

Everybody looks forward to 'Time' magazine naming their 'person of the year.' And today, they named Barack Obama person of the year. That's right. Finally, things are starting to go his way.

But the President-elect says that he still will smoke occasionally. And I remember on Election Day when he smoked John McCain, so it's true.

How about this Barack Obama, President-elect Barack Obama. Bush ought to take his last two months worth of paychecks and give them to Barack Obama, because he's working harder than the President. He's come up with a great initiative to create 2.5 million jobs for Americans. Kind of the catch is we all have to move to China.

Everybody is kind of making up and getting back together. Senator McCain and President-elect Barack Obama met, got together and had a nice visit. And Barack Obama thanked McCain for choosing that nutty Alaskan chick. And then Barack Obama said to McCain, Hey, I'm catching up with you. I just got a second home.

Barack Obama and his family are still looking for a dog for the White House. I hear the Beverly Hills Chihuaha is on the short list. They are looking for a pet that does not shed. So I'm thinking that rules out that thing on Donald Trump's head.

Barack Obama was thrilled, I mean, thrilled, because even as a United States senator, he had never really been to the White House, so he was thrilled to be there. He thought, for a minute, he was getting a 21-gun salute. Whoa! It turned out it was just Cheney fooling around.

I love stuff like this, because it so early that everything now is new and cute and the Obama family looking for a White House dog. ... Once the Obama's choose a dog, he must then be confirmed by the Senate.

But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the pound. And I think that is admirable. I believe the last president to bring a stray dog into the White House got impeached.

And as you know, like they say, Barack Obama hits the ground running. He is already naming people to be part of the staff. He picked a guy Rahm Emanuel. Rahm Emanuel, is that the holiday the writers are always taking off?

Ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama is our new president. And I think I speak for most Americans when I say, anybody mind if he starts a little early?

And how about last night, when Barack Obama had his half hour infomercial TV special. I mean, thank God! It’s about time this guy got some media coverage, don’t you think?

But I thought it was one of those heartwarming infomercials. It had a wonderful ending. In the final scene Barack Obama is adopted by Angelina Jolie.

How about that Senator Barack Obama? You know what he's doing? He's going door to door, knocking on doors, and it's fascinating. It's kind of like a throw-back. I don't know if he changed any votes, but today he came home with a big bag full of Halloween candy. How about that? But it was a little embarrassing when he rang a doorbell at two of McCain's houses.

A town in Upstate New York is being accused of being biased 'cause they sent out absentee ballots that say 'Barack Osama.' Today they apologized and printed new ballots that say 'Barack Hussein Osama.'


All of New Yorkers have Obama fever. Everybody's very excited about him being in New York City. New York City cab drivers, by the way, are offering their Barack Obama special: they'll gladly accept change.

And how about that Barack Obama? You know what they're saying? For the first time he's starting to slip in the polls. Barack Obama is starting to slip in the polls. Don't worry. He's got a plan. He's going to be to campaigning in Europe.

And then tonight, Barack Obama speaks to the convention, and they moved it to the stadium there in Denver. They’re getting, like, 75,000 people. And I’m telling you, the construction crew has been working around the clock, painting the stadium, scrubbing the stadium, plastering. It's the same team that works on Nancy Pelosi.

You know. People really like Barack Obama because he's an inspirational speaker. But he was not the first one.I was checking my presidential history. he was not the first candidate to use the phrase "Yes we can!" Bill Clinton frequently used that on interns.

A new campaign ad from John McCain unfavorably compares Barack Obama and Britney Spears. Reporters tried to contact McCain to get a response to this criticism, but they couldn’t get a hold of him. He was busy having his dinner on a TV tray watchingJeopardy.

You know, Barack Obama the last ten days was traveling overseas campaigning in Europe and everywhere. It was so successful, campaigning abroad, that he is actually thinking about campaigning here in the United States.

While Barack Obama was campaigning in Germany, he spoke to a half million people in Germany, a half million people. And while he was doing that, John McCain, he wasn't laying around, no, no, John McCain was out driving in his driveway and he backed over the mailbox.

But there was one little episode while Barack Obama was overseas. He was in Jerusalem, and he was heckled. And he's not used to being heckled, because everybody likes the guy wherever he goes so nobody heckles him. And this woman was just furious and nasty and heckling him, and finally he said, "All right, Hillary, knock it off!"

Barack Obama is behaving very presidentially now. He's in the Middle East, and he met today with the leaders of Israel and Jordan. And not to be outdone, earlier today, John McCain was in the park playing checkers with Ed Koch.