Barack Obama's inauguration is just a week away. They just announced this. Three days before his inauguration, Barack Obama is going to retrace Abraham Lincoln's route by taking an Amtrak train from Philadelphia to Washington, DC. Isn't that cool? Yeah, Obama is making the trip three days early, because it's Amtrak and even he only has so much hope.

On Inauguration Day, Barack Obama will be riding in a brand new presidential limousine made by General Motors. Yeah, the parade route is five miles long, so GM says Obama should only have to stop for gas twice.

In a speech about the economy, Barack Obama said that Americans will soon be able to go online and see where the bailout money is being spent. In response, Americans said, 'Thanks, but we'll stick to downloading porn.'

The Washington Post reports today that Barack Obama wants to select Sanjay Gupta to be surgeon general. Yeah, Obama said the CNN doctor must be pretty good, because he's kept Larry King alive all these years.

Now, some political experts were really surprised that Obama's pick for surgeon general is mainly known for talking about health care on television, but apparently Obama got the idea from President Bush, who once tried to appoint the cast of 'Scrubs.'

Time magazine has selected their person of the year. Guess what, it's President-elect Barack Obama. Yeah, ironically, Ebony magazine announced their person of the year, and it's Ed Begley Jr.

Gay leaders are furious at Barack Obama because he picked an anti-gay minister to deliver a prayer during the inauguration ceremony. Yeah. Gay leaders are also furious at Obama because the tie he's planning to wear is all wrong.

A New York elementary school became the first school in the country to be named after Barack Obama. Yeah, that's very nice. Yeah, unfortunately, no one likes their team's new nickname, the Fighting Husseins.

Oprah Winfrey just announced that she's planning to attend Barack Obama's inauguration. Oprah says she's very excited to see Obama become the second-most powerful person in the world.

President-elect Obama met with former political rival John McCain. Did you see that? They got together. ... And both men said it was a relief to put their differences aside, sit down, and really make fun of Sarah Palin.

Barack and Michelle Obama are looking for a church in Washington to attend. Apparently, the Obamas ask every prospective pastor the same question: 'Have you ever been videotaped screaming 'God damn America!'?

The Secret Service recently gave Barack Obama's wife and daughters code names. These are the code names: Renaissance, Rosebud and Radiance. Apparently, the agent who created the names has a secret dream to get into the perfume business.

Some political analysts are saying the 1980s sitcom The Cosby Show helped Obama get elected because it portrayed a black family in a positive light. They also say Obama would have been elected 10 years ago if it weren't for Flavor Flav.

Now that Barack Obama has been elected president, producers in Hollywood say they think America is now ready for a black James Bond and a black Wonder Woman. Isn't that cool? Yeah, hell, America may even be ready for a black Michael Jackson.

It was reported today that Michelle Obama wants her mother to move into the White House with them. Yeah, this is expected to be the first time Barack uses his veto power.

One of the Obama girls is allergic to dogs, so someone has offered the Obamas a puppy that is completely hairless. Yeah. In fact, the children have already given the puppy the name James Carville.

Oprah Winfrey has said she will not accept the role of an ambassador to a foreign country if it were offered to her by Barack Obama. She wouldn't accept. On the other hand, Obama did announce that his new surgeon general is Dr. Phil.

Today, at his first press conference as President-elect, Barack Obama said America will succeed if we can put aside partisanship and politics. Nice. Yeah, in other words, we're totally screwed.

In the news, Chinese president Hu Jintao says that now that Barack Obama has been elected, he is looking forward to taking the relationship between China and the U.S. to the next level. That's what he said. Yeah. Then he said, 'Who knows, maybe we'll even go all the way.'

After this week's election, this is true, thousands of mothers in Kenya are expected to name their babies Barack Obama. Isn't that cool? Yeah. And then, they'll all be adopted by Angelina Jolie. She's going to have 600,000 kids named Barack Obama.

Last night, after Barack Obama was declared the winner, President Bush called Obama, promised to work with him to guarantee a smooth transition. Yeah. Yeah, when we heard this, Obama said, 'Thanks, but you've done enough.'

All the major networks declared Barack Obama the winner at 11 last night, except for MSNBC, which declared Obama the winner six months ago.

Hundreds of thousands of people turned out for Obama’s victory rally in Chicago. But there was an awkward moment when Obama put on a hat that said “proud to be Muslim” and screamed, 'Suckas!'

Obama was joined on stage by Bruce Springsteen in Ohio on Sunday. There was one tense moment when somebody in the audience yelled out, 'Born in the USA!' And Obama said, 'For the last time, yes, damnit, I was!

During a speech earlier today, Barack Obama accidentally mixed up his black sitcom characters. He said that Wheezy from 'The Jeffersons' was a character on 'Sanford and Son.' That's true, yeah. And just like that, folks, the election is wide open.

Big night of television tonight for Barack Obama. Earlier tonight, Barack Obama aired a half-hour infomercial to attract more voters. Yeah. Yeah, and apparently, if you watched the entire infomercial, Barack threw in a free set of Ginsu knives for you.

Now, this is interesting, Barack Obama is now encouraging his supporters to take election day off so they can help him get out the vote. Yeah. And a lot of Americans said they were already planning to take that day off, because they don't have a job.

Tomorrow night Barack Obama is buying a half-hour commercial on CBS, NBC and Fox. Not on ABC, though. I think it is because they've got `Dancing with the Stars.' That's where viewers can watch an elderly person make a fool out of themselves and then get voted out of the competition. Which is completely different from the election, of course.

The other day, a guy who played a game of basketball against Barack Obama said that Obama spent the whole game trash talking. He also said Obama’s trash talking is 'eloquent, high-minded, and inspirational.'

This is weird, but this is true, it was in the paper today: members of the press corps are complaining that Barack Obama's airplane, the airplane he uses to get around and that the press travels on, is cramped and has a terrible odor. So finally, with just one month left until the election, we have found the comedic take on Obama: he has a smelly plane. That's what we have to go on, yeah. 'Old Smelly Plane Obama.'