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A college guy takes a college girl out for a first date. After being at the carnival for about an hour, the guy asked the girl, "What do you want to do?" She replied, "I want to get weighed." He shrugged, then took her to a scale. They went and rode a ride. Afterwards, he asked her what she wanted to do. She said, "I want to get weighed." He was beginning to get annoyed, but he took her to the scale again. About an hour later, he asked her what she wanted to do, again. She replied, "I want to get weighed." At this point, he was beginning to think she was weird and took her home, farewelling her with only a handshake. She walked back to the room to her roomate, Laura. Laura asks her, "How was the date?" The girl complained, "Oh Waura, it was wousy."




Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat. "I'll have some [bleeping] French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his bad language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more [bleeping] French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don't know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don't want the [bleeping] French toast." (Unknown)


Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, Saul relents and sells his store. The voice says, “Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul, go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He's dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It's another ace. He has 20. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. “I have 20!” Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. “Hit me,” Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty-one. The booming voice goes: "Un-f**king-believable!" (Unknown)



A man is driving his five-year-old to a friend's house when another car races in front of them and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn't make it right, and I don't ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, Douchebag." (Unknown)


A child is learning english At school. The teacher said "Dog." The child replied "D," The teacher said "Pig," the child said "P," The teacher said "Duck," the child answered "F."

This one is actually taken from a Bottom Live show.

(Eddie smells Richie's breath.)

Eddie: Does the pope s**t in the woods?

Richie: No why?

Eddie: Because it smells like he s**t in your mouth.

Contributed by Stickmeninc