The Frozen Parrot

A man inherited a parrot. At first he thought this was a good thing. But the parrot would do nothing but swear like a sailor.

On the first day the man played the parrot soothing music and put its condition down to the stress of moving. On the second day he tried reasoning with it. On the third day he ignored it. Nothing worked, the parrot still let forth a torrent of curse words.

On the fourth day he snapped and after a particularly creative insult the man grabbed the parrot and thrust him into the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot continued unabated. Then everything went quiet. The man, worried that he had killed the parrot, took a peek into the freezer. The parrot hopped out and was strangely silent and then said:

"I am most terribly sorry, old chap, if I in any way offended you earlier with my choice language. It won't happen again. But, could I just ask......what did the chicken do?" funnyr.com


After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water? (Steven Wright)

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One day a guy wants to go hunting but he has never hunted before so he goes to his local gun store and the store clerk suggests a 30/30 good all around with a little power. So the man buys the rifle and goes hunting the next weekend. He is sitting in his stand when he sees a bear. He aims and fires and sees the bear go down. When he gets to the spot the bear is nowhere to be seen. All of a sudden he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and its the bear who gives him 2 options: he could eat him or he can let the bear have sex with him. Well the guy didnt want to die so he sighs and bends over and lets the bear do his thing. After it is all done the man swears revenge. He goes to the gun store and buys the most powerful and accurate gun they have. Next weekend he is sitting in his stand and he sees the bear. He takes aim slowly, shoots and sees the bear go down. He goes to the spot and once agian the bear is not there. He feels a tap on his shoulder and turns around. It is the bear agian. The bear looks at him and Says, "You're not here to hunt are you." (Armyprvt)


Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won't help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.” (Unknown)

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Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. “But here's what to do: take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground." The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. “What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you're gonna die." (Unknown)

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Contrary to what most people would say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see. (Jack Handey)

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A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, “What the hell was that all about?" (Unknown) Wowo....

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I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough... (Brian Kiley)

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A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "What's on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go 'roof'." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog, "What does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you." He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" barks the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. The dog then turns to the guy and says, "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?" (Unknown)

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A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashana and makes a wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temple's cantor. When the big moment comes, though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: "Schmuck! Think of the odds we'll get on Yom Kippur!" (Unknown)

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Animals may be our friends, but they won't pick you up at the airport. (Bobcat Goldthwait)

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Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. (Ellen Degeneres)

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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. (W.C. Fields)

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They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona. (Bob Hope/Gene Perret)

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The Jewish talking dog joke is so long it's on its own page. Click the link to read.


An elephant was taking a cool shower in a swimming poo. A rat came and asked the elephant to get out of the pool. As the elephant came out, the rat said, "okay you can go back in." The elephant got annoyed and asked the rat what that was all about. "I just wanted to see if you were wearing your swimming trunk."


One day at the zoo two snake's met and one asked the other:
"Are we poisonous?"
"Why do you ask?"
"I bit my lip!"


An elephant asks a camel:
"Why are your breasts on your back?"
"Well," says the camel, "I think that's a strange question from somebody whose dick is on his face."

An English Duck called One-Two Three and a French Duck called Un-Du-Twa have a race over the Channel, which one wins?
One-Two-Three because Un-Du-Twa cat sank.